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May 03, 2006
More Thoughts on the Immigration Debate

Posted by Bill

Yesterday's protest sign makes a superficially strong case - on several levels - that this country needs illegal immigrants. Because in addition to America's immediate and undeniable dependence upon burritos, societies grow and prosper with fresh ideas and determination, as well as the mystically unique brands of American ingenuity that spark and blossom from heretofore sociologically unnatural collisions of cultures. But sometimes these unique cultural compounds exhibit a dark side. A poisonous side. Don't believe me? Nowhere is this positive-negative duality more evident than with the Mexicans and their food. These entrepreneurial innovators combined American moxie with Mexican know-how by placing ten standard ingredients in slightly different proportions, thereby fooling a willing world into believing that their "cuisine" is actually made up of hundreds of diverse dishes.

Cheese * Peppers * Tomatoes * Substandard Meat * Onions * Sour Cream * Avocado * Rice * Beans* Tortillas

... all seasoned with salt.

Ten ingredients and salt. From this outrageously simple mix, a mass of wildly successful Mexican chain restaurants have crept into the American zeitgeist, quietly forcing us into a superficially irrevocable economic dependence on guacamole. Political insiders feel the rumble, as Israel's outsized influence on American foreign policy has been challenged by the whims of the Mexican chain restaurant food lobby/industrial complex. Haven't you considered why the Chimperor is such fast friends with Vincente Fox? Stop counting your brothers and wake up, you sheep. Baaa.

Let's demonstrate. From Baja Fresh's menu:

Burrito Ultimo® Melted jack & cheddar cheeses (CHEESE), grilled peppers (PEPPERS), chilis (PEPPERS), onions (ONIONS), rice (RICE), Salsa Baja (TOMATOES, PEPPERS and ONION), sour cream (SOUR CREAM) and your choice of charbroiled steak, charbroiled chicken or savory pork carnitas (SS MEAT).

But you say that you don't feel like a burrito today ... so you crazy-diversify by ordering a fajita:

Fajitas are served with grilled peppers & onions (PEPPERS, ONIONS), guacamole (AVOCADO), rice (RICE), black or pinto beans (BEANS) topped with anejo cheese (CHEESE), Pico de Gallo salsa (TOMATOES, PEPPERS and ONION), sour cream (SOUR CREAM) and your choice of grilled flour or corn tortillas (TORTILLAS). Try it with charbroiled steak, charbroiled chicken, savory pork carnitas, charbroiled shrimp, charbroiled fish or breaded fish. (SS MEAT)

Or a taco:

Original "Baja Style" Taco The Original "Baja Style" Taco is served in grilled corn tortillas (TORTILLAS) with hot or mild salsa (TOMATOES, PEPPERS and ONION), chopped onion (ONION) & cilantro (OH, CURVEBALL!) and your choice of charbroiled chicken, charbroiled steak, savory pork carnitas or charbroiled shrimp. (SS MEAT)

Abre tus ojos, you stupid, stupid gringos. It's all the same damn thing.

Thus, even though part of me respects the sneaky culinary hubris that initially led Mexican INVADERS to blindside a trusting America with the mysterious value of their "cuisine," I've come to lean towards the immediate deportation of all illegals - as we can probably make this shit ourselves.

Apologies to Ms. Malkin for my earlier moment of weakness.

Posted by Bill at May 3, 2006 09:57 AM | TrackBack (4)

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Comments

I have doubts that a gringo can make a tamale.

Posted by: Carin at May 3, 2006 11:51 AM

Nice knowing you Bill. Enjoy your sleep with the fishes.

Posted by: rbj at May 3, 2006 12:41 PM

I have doubts that a gringo can make a tamale.

... Or a good mole sauce, for that matter. I do see your point, but isn't Italian food pretty much the same way? A few ingredients (flour, eggs) tomatoes, basil, parmesean, used over and over?

Ooh, look! In this recipe, you take your flour and water paste and twist it! Getcher note pads out, kids!

Posted by: Scott P at May 3, 2006 01:02 PM

Or a good mole sauce, for that matter. I do see your point, but isn't Italian food pretty much the same way? A few ingredients (flour, eggs) tomatoes, basil, parmesean, used over and over?

That's wholly ignorant sacrilege. Not to mention covers one fraction of primarily southern Italian cuisine.

I should have you wacked for the mere suggestion.

Posted by: Bill from INDC at May 3, 2006 01:05 PM

Oh, right. I forgot garlic and oregano.

[Googles "witness protection program"]

Posted by: Scott P at May 3, 2006 01:26 PM

Ah, yes, but who MAKES the S.S. Meat? Didn't Tyson have to shut down like ninety percent fo its factories yesterday?

Posted by: Foster at May 3, 2006 02:15 PM

First quote:

Cheese * Peppers * Tomatoes * Substandard Meat * Onions * Sour Cream * Avocado * Rice * Beans* Tortillas

Second quote:

Fajitas are served with grilled peppers & onions (PEPPERS, ONIONS), guacamole (AVOCADO), rice (RICE), black or pinto beans (BEANS)...

Now, point out the BEANS in your list of ingredients.

Typical substandard analysis. Never send a DC boy to do a Texan's job.

Posted by: Boyd [TypeKey Profile Page] at May 3, 2006 03:03 PM

Er, Boyd - I see "beans," right there between "rice" and "tortillas."

You been drinking?

Hee-hee.

Posted by: Bill from INDC at May 3, 2006 03:06 PM

Congrats, Bill. You even managed to increment 9 ingredients to 10.

I should never underestimate your perfidy.

Posted by: Boyd [TypeKey Profile Page] at May 3, 2006 03:36 PM

Amen. Menudo alone cancels out anything worth bragging about. If you throw in huitlacoche the cuisine really should be something of a national shame.

Posted by: SeanH at May 3, 2006 05:26 PM

I know I'm late, but I just want to add that a little sauteed garlic and onion, a little spinach and mushroom can make one tasty quesadilla, or quesadila, as they say on Napolean Dynamite.

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