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April 13, 2006
The Front Lines of Freedom

Posted by Dorkafork

(This is a guest editorial by former President Thomas Jefferson.)

My Fellow Americans:
Much has been written about the decision of Comedy Central to censor the recent episode of South Park, and of Borders to pull a magazine featuring the Mohammed Cartoons. And I am here to tell you that it is ok.

Look, much as I would like all Americans to defend freedom, in certain situations it is perfectly understandable for Americans to not risk their necks for it. Not everyone can show that much courage. It is true that I risked all of my property and my life in the Revolutionary War, when we fought one of the most powerful empires in existence. But look at what employees of Comedy Central could face. They could receive a nasty e-mail. Or worse, people in third world countries on the other side of the Earth could burn down an embassy.

Look at this map detailing protests over the Mohammed Cartoons:

Think of all the Comedy Central employees in the Comedy Central offices in Syria, Iran, the Gaza Strip, and Pakistan.
And look at all the violence in America. Three incidents in the US. Of course two of those were non-violent protests, but those could have caused Comedy Central staffers some stress, temporarily increasing their blood pressure and reducing their lifespan by minutes. But there was an incident of actual violence in New Mexico. Someone threw rocks at a newspaper's front door. I don't want to overly alarm anyone, but the glass had to be replaced. In the face of such violence, can we really blame them? I risked losing my lands and my life to oppose the Crown, in a fight against overwhelming odds fighting British infantry and Hessian mercenaries. But I wouldn't expect the same from others. Especially when some guy threw rocks at a door in New Mexico. These truly are the times that try men's souls. Or as Voltaire said, "I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to say it, or till the point that some yahoo 6,000 miles away burns something, or perhaps looks at me funny, in which case I'll be cowering in the corner, quivering and mewling something about 'tolerance'."

All I ask is for you all to not look down on your fellow Americans. Not when they're facing dangers such as the possibility of receiving nasty letters. Comedy Central's actions are the only responsible ones in the face of some guy throwing a rock at a door. Freedom isn't free, but glass isn't cheap.

Sincerely,
Thomas Jefferson, deceased.

Posted by Dorkafork at April 13, 2006 08:20 PM | TrackBack (2)

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Comments

Enough is enough. I have had it with the guy who threw a motherfuckin' rock at a motherfuckin' door.

Posted by: Samuel L. Jackson at April 13, 2006 09:55 PM

You mean I could have had the Brooklyn museum withdraw that religious exhibition made out of elephant dung if I only was smart enough to throw a rock at my door? Who knew?

Posted by: Fred at April 13, 2006 10:09 PM

I have decided to protest against Muslim intolerance by defiantly posting the Mohammed cartoons in a slideshow as my screensaver. Of course, I will have to do this at home, as I would be fired if I did it at work, because where I work there is a very strong PC diversity rule about mocking other's religions. So I will have to do it at home. There I will face only the ability of my 12 year old to change the slideshow back to the pictures of dinosaurs she prefers. Maybe I'll wear a t-shirt, under my normal shirt, with a cartoon on it. While at work. But only in my cube, where no one can see it.

Oh, pish tosh. I think I will go all "Midieval Roman Catholic" on the next Muslim I see and try to convert them through evangelical discussion, or perhaps even by the example of a Christian life well lived.

Posted by: Mike in Austin at April 14, 2006 09:08 AM

Well put, Mr. Jefferson.

Posted by: rbj [TypeKey Profile Page] at April 14, 2006 10:09 AM

When did everyone in the West turn into such huge pussies anyhow?

I'm thinking it was some time in early 1961.

Posted by: Beck at April 14, 2006 10:10 AM

That glass cost at least a buck-o-five.

Posted by: Ghost of a flea at April 14, 2006 11:36 AM

Hey Dorkafork, I'd like to print out this editorial and mail it to the pansies at Comedy Central, attributing it to your site, of course, Is that okay with you?

Posted by: Verity Kindle at April 14, 2006 12:23 PM

I spoke to Mr. Jefferson, he says it's fine.

Posted by: dorkafork at April 14, 2006 02:20 PM

Done and mailed. That's my $1.05, time to go destroy the environment and oppress some poor people. So much to do in only one Friday afternoon, but it's all out of love. By the way, Comedy Central can STICK IT, SIDEWAYS. I'm never watching their network again.

Posted by: Verity Kindle at April 14, 2006 05:29 PM

Tom, I don't usually agree with you about what day of the week it might be, but by Diety, I think you've got this one right. Maybe you should write a declaration or something? See you in Phily -- Abigail sends her best to Sally.

John

Posted by: Clioman at April 15, 2006 07:30 AM

Although I'm not an expert on this, I believe that many of Jefferson's contemporaries considered him relatively cowardly, usually finding ways to avoid fighting (such as being off in Europe). But I could well be wrong.

Posted by: Jim Lindgren at April 15, 2006 01:07 PM

A. Your recollection is correct: some of his contemporaries did perceive him that way and spread the impression, though the random observation is greatly enhanced with context. So here you go:

Two days after Jefferson resigned his office, Colonel Banastre Tarleton and his British dragoons made a surprise raid on Monticello and very nearly captured Jefferson, his entire family, and several guests. Although Jefferson's escape was orderly and dignified, his opponents spread a story that he fled on horseback just as the dragoons came into sight. To Jefferson's indignation, the story was told and retold, embroidered in such a way as to make him appear a coward.

http://encarta.msn.com/encyclopedia_761570282_4/Thomas_Jefferson.html

Amazing how political slander of the "Bush fled on 9-11!" variety can persist so long, repeated 225 years later on a blog ...

B. Physical courage in battle is a mere variety of courage, other variations required in great quantities for a comfortable upper-class gentleman to become an architect of a revolution against the British Empire.

Posted by: Bill from INDC at April 15, 2006 02:08 PM

In all fairness, the dragoons were throwing rocks at his door. Who can blame him?

Posted by: dorkafork at April 15, 2006 04:14 PM

Bill is of course correct, Thomas Jefferson's reprehensible conduct really occurs during the Washington administration, especially the second term.

Posted by: Robin Roberts at April 15, 2006 06:57 PM

BOYCOTT COMEDY CENTRAL and let TREY PARKER and MATT STONE blow it out their ears

Posted by: BIRDZILLA at April 17, 2006 02:57 PM

Someone must have fed you extra snark with your Hatorade.

Why shouldn't the overpaid mushmouths at Comedy Central fear angry letters? Their angry-letter-reading-staff would be put into overtime, and that just kills the bottom line.

Even if the angry-letter-reading staffing is farmed out to Indymedia or The Daily Kos, it still might force them to buy a 40 foot yacht when they retire, as opposed to the 50 foot variety. And the foam on the envelopes is just gross.

A little more sympathy for the brilliant minds of Comedy Central is called for, Mr. Jefferson. Afer all, it's not like they are making Jesus poop jokes, after all.

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Are you sure 70007 of this?!?

Posted by: Gezer Gamadi at October 3, 2006 11:30 AM