INDCJournal: Quick Links (Super-Cranky Edition)

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April 13, 2006

Quick Links (Super-Cranky Edition)

Posted by Bill

*** When do you know that you've hit bottom as a blogger? I'm not exactly sure, but it's got to be somewhere around the point you begin to link CRAZY CAT VIDEOS!

*** Nevermind - this is when you've hit bottom as a blogger, reduced to squealing at every odd google search like a Livespacing tween.

*** Know thy enemy. Or don't, in the case of Balloon Juice's Tim F:

You will die of old age before Esmay and Reagan call for Gingrich’s head.

Yeah, that's Dean alright, a big 'ol Newt Gingrich booster. As a bonus, the post goes on to draw equivalence between Dean attacking criminal leakers of the top secret NSA program as "treasonous," and the practice of labeling public critics of the Administration's Iraq policy as "treasonous" (which Esmay hasn't done, that I recall). All this non-specificity to make a fallacious argument about ... HYPOCRISY! (to borrow an intonation from Goldstein's toolshed)

But who needs such detail? Who needs logical coherence or relevant distinctions? Such niceties will only serve to confuse the majority of Balloon Juice commenters, who - let's be frank - have enough trouble making out their monitors through the incessant spray of righteously expectorated fury.

*** One of the benefits of MSN Instant Messenger is discovering nifty articles on the program's start-up screen. Today's gem comes from the Dating & Personals section, titled, "Do Nice Guys Finish Last?"

It's every single guy's nightmare: He's on a date with a woman he digs and he's doing everything right, from asking "all about her" to paying the check before she's even returned from the restroom. He calls her promptly the next day for date number two... only to hear her confess that she's obsessed with some guy, despite his flaws - like never paying for dinner or returning her calls.

This is objectively false. I'm a single guy, and my two recurring nightmares revolve around a naked Star Jones writhing in a plastic kiddie pool filled with marshmallow paste and a shrieking velociraptor with a raging erection; my subconscious could give a fig about a date being obsessed with her loser ex-boyfriend. I might be peeved if I'd paid the tab on our date, but what kind of royal schmuckles doesn't insist that she split the bill?

Indeed, it's enough to convince any sincere, sweet guy that he can't win at love... and wonder why, in this day and age, women still fall for that bad-boy shtick? What is it about them that turns women on - and how can a decent guy gain an edge?

There's a word for those sincere, sweet guys that become convinced that they can't win at love, crying and raging into the night at the injustice of women falling for the accursed bad boy. That word is "pussies."

We asked a couple of experts and three women with bad boys in their past to unravel the mystery.

Sagacious, knitted-brow discussion of relationships ensues, this being my favorite snippet:

Judy: I succeeded in turning a bad boy good once. We dated for six weeks, during which time he was flaky and treated me badly, until he ultimately broke up with me. But we never fell completely out of touch. He says he wants to get back together, calls regularly and checks in, and his tone is completely different. But he had his chance, and he blew it.

Judy's quite the triumphant tigress, I'd say. Too bad her bad boy turned good is just trying to weasel his way back into her good graces so he can sleep with her, steal the cash from her wallet, swipe and pawn her portable electronics, salt her Asparagus Fern and poison that yappy little rat-dog, just for good measure. And he'll succeed, because he's a bad boy, and Judy's a deer who can't see day-glo orange vests.

But take my analysis with a grain of salt, as I'm a nice guy.

Posted by Bill at April 13, 2006 08:32 AM | TrackBack (1)

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Comments

Too funny. I love you, man, but if you're ever able to keep a woman around--even one with Lewinsky-type self-respect issues--you must be entirely different offline.

As for what kind of schmuck doesn't split the check? The kind of schmuck with a job, Bill. As soon as you don't care about throwing away an evening and the cost of the date, you'll find those dates turning out better than ever. You know it's true--women are that perverse.

Posted by: spongeworthy at April 13, 2006 10:32 AM

First of all, it's "schmuckles."

Second, are you trying to tell me that using my ziplock bag of coupons on a date is a bad idea too?

I take any discount out of MY HALF of the check, of course.

I mean, it's not like she clipped the coupon.

Posted by: Bill from INDC at April 13, 2006 10:41 AM

And she could have done, right? It was right there in the Pennysaver. Anybody could have stayed home one night with a tub of Chunky Monkey and got their coupon-clipping taken care of in one evening. Instead of just throwing money away!

Posted by: spongeworthy at April 13, 2006 11:08 AM

Ponderosa is expensive, man.

Posted by: Bill from INDC at April 13, 2006 11:15 AM

Do you sneak in a flask? 'Cause chicks dig guys who know better than to just throw money away ordering cocktails from the bar. You have any idea what the markup is on mixed drinks?

When you tip that airplane bottle of Tio Pepe into her Tab once the waiters back is turned, her conspiratorial giggle will signify that you are partners in penny-wisdom, and likely much much more!

Posted by: spongeworthy at April 13, 2006 11:31 AM

Heh.

Posted by: Bill from INDC at April 13, 2006 11:44 AM

I usually try not to bash other bloggers, but is it just me? Or has B.J. become almost totally unreadable since John quit posting?

Posted by: j.d. at April 13, 2006 12:18 PM

I dunno, but you can take that namby-pamby "I usually try not to bash other bloggers" stuff back to your little gingerbread cottage in the woods, is what you can do with THAT.

Posted by: Bill from INDC at April 13, 2006 12:33 PM

Ha.

Posted by: j.d. at April 13, 2006 01:01 PM

I'm single, and my two recurring nightmares revolve around a naked Star Jones writhing in a plastic kiddie pool filled with peanut butter and marshmallow paste

Readers of INDCJournal should know that it's the marshmallow paste he finds terrifying.

And this pretty much sums up "nice guys".

Posted by: dorkafork at April 13, 2006 01:21 PM

I wouldn't worry about hitting bottom. A blogger who can write the phrases 'incessant spray of righteously expectorated fury.' and 'a shrieking velociraptor with a raging erection' in the same post should keep at it.

Posted by: Defense Guy at April 13, 2006 03:56 PM

It sounds like we're talking about the common jerk and not bad boys. A bad boy can be a jerk, but a jerk can't necessarily claim badboyness.

Posted by: Donnah at April 13, 2006 04:22 PM

Hmmm. That was casually dropped by Bill.

Posted by: milowent at April 13, 2006 05:04 PM

ack. the "i'm single" comment i mean.

Posted by: milowent at April 13, 2006 05:05 PM

Aww shucks, defense guy.

milowent -

Used only in service of the post, I assure you.

Posted by: Bill from INDC at April 13, 2006 05:08 PM

Be careful Bill, I have complimented before and I am not afraid to compliment again.

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