INDCJournal: Monument Spotting

December 10, 2005

Monument Spotting

Posted by Bill

Who's the baddest ass stone-cold stone mamma-jamma in the District of Columbia? In possibly the entire monument world? Why, it's ...

Daniel "I'll kill you" Webster.

Note the statue's striking features:

Remarkably intense, almost psychotic stare. The secret to his legendary oratory? I'm guessing the ability to project "fear."

Sweet relief sculpture of DWeb laying the debate smackdown on some secessionist foos, just prior to decapitating the Senate President Pro Temp with his sword cane.

Big letters, bigger pedestal, gangsta stance. Birds are afraid to crap on this statue. City workers draw straws to clean it.

For the record, if I'm ever to be immortalized in sculpture after my death, I want to be done like Daniel Webster.

I want men to envy me. I want warm-blooded women to want me. And I want wee tourist children to run in stark terror from my stony likeness.

Posted by Bill at December 10, 2005 08:06 PM | TrackBack (5)

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Comments

Ace should do 30 facts about Daniel Webster. Because he can shoot lasers from his eyes. He's so bad, his statue once killed a guy.

Posted by: dorkafork at December 10, 2005 08:36 PM

"I want warm-blooded women to want me."

Tell it, brother!

Posted by: harrison at December 10, 2005 09:00 PM

The Devil never had a chance.

Posted by: Eric J at December 10, 2005 10:19 PM

No package though. That's probably what makes him so mad.

Posted by: gail at December 11, 2005 09:00 AM

Man, you crack me up!

Posted by: mistercalm at December 12, 2005 07:47 AM

Yeah, Dan's got some serious cameltoe there, like he's tucked his junk into a mangina. Some pretty sorry drawers they had to wear back then, eh?

Posted by: spongeworthy at December 12, 2005 01:12 PM

Amusingly, the title of his autobiography--I am not making this up--is "Daniel Webster: The Completest Man."

Posted by: Beck at December 12, 2005 03:07 PM

But what's with the camel toe?

Posted by: beautifulatrocities at December 12, 2005 04:07 PM

You are in-SANE! LOL!

Posted by: watha at December 12, 2005 05:35 PM

You mean that children don't already run in stark terror from your stony likeness?

Amateur.

Posted by: scott at December 12, 2005 08:35 PM

Ace should do 30 facts about Daniel Webster. Because he can shoot lasers from his eyes. He's so bad, his statue once killed a guy.
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Posted by: at December 8, 2006 07:39 AM

Basically nothing noteworthy happening right now, but eh. Today was a complete loss. I haven't been up to much recently. I've pretty much been doing nothing worth mentioning.

Posted by: Sten68514 at December 26, 2006 05:28 PM

I've more or less been doing nothing worth mentioning, but eh. My life's been really bland today. I don't care. I've just been letting everything happen without me these days. That's how it is.

Posted by: TramadoL26211 at December 26, 2006 10:46 PM

I haven't been up to anything recently, but so it goes. Such is life. What can I say? Pretty much not much exciting going on to speak of. I haven't gotten much done lately, but I don't care.

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I can't be bothered with anything these days, but such is life. I don't care. So it goes. More or less nothing seems worth thinking about. I've just been hanging out waiting for something to happen, but that's how it is.

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