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« The War on Christmas: In Pictures | Main | Dean Recants "Can't Win" Statement » December 08, 2005
The War on Christmas: Dispatches from the Front, One
Posted by Bill Though the War on Christmas is a grand conflict, a cultural struggle for the heart and mind of an entire country, it's also the sum of a vast number of small, interlocking, human parts. Millions of fighting men. Millions more stories. And sitting with some of those parts, those men, on the cusp of battle, it's hard to stare at their achingly young faces, bright eyes perched within the dewy skin of youth - alternately mottled with teenaged blemishes and scraggly beatnik facial hair - and not think on the duality of war: such startling humanity forced to attempt such startlingly inhumane things. They stand nervously in the fluorescent parking lot of a Super-8 Motel on the outskirts of Akron, the jitters and early morning chill causing fingers to fumble as they check and re-check weapons and equipment, the vast majority making ready for a first taste of combat. A sampling of the unit I'm embedded with - the 432nd Special Secular Operations Squad, the "Fighting Sekkies" - is a cross-section of America itself, with eager diplomats seemingly come from every humanities department, independent coffee shop and underground hash den across this great land. There's Pfc. Gino Spiratelli, a scrappy high school drop-out from the Bronx, equally spry with his feet and tongue. A compact man with an olive complexion and wide brown, flashing eyes, Spiratelli's quick to tell you that he's here for the "action." "I'ma get me some, is what I'm gonna do. These fundie Christ-humpers ain't gonna have a clue what hit 'em, B-R-O-N-X style! TaDOW, muthafuckas! Yeah! Lock and load, bitches! What up?! Where's your 'Baby Jesus' now?! Whatuuuuuuup?! " he boasts. Three feet away in stark contrast is "Tex," a laconic Austin bookseller with a tall, wiry frame, green leather cowboy hat and Che Guevara t-shirt, his Marxist charm contrasting with sandy hair and an easy, all-American smile. "Don't mind Spiratelli, he's jes' bored and lookin' to jaw some," cautions Tex. When asked why he's here, this cowboy's fatalistic, almost apathetic. "Seemed like the thing to do, you know? If not me, who? Plus, there are some serious patchouli cowgirls up in this joint, and Tex needs to put his big bad brand on some strange," he offers with a lazy wink and half-grin. Standing next to him is a gentle 28 year-old Atlantan barista named Darron Watkins, aka "Sarge." A powerfully-built black man with dreads and vacant eyes, Sarge is the veteran of the group, having seen action in a variety of hot conflicts across the country. "I seen things. I was at Seattle. DC. Other places. Did stuff. Saw stuff. I seen things," mutters Sarge, rocking slightly and absentmindedly fingering a wicked scar above his eye, a souvenir I'm told he earned at the Battle of Schiavo. "Yeah, I seen things. And I am going to get this sucker," he resolves, suddenly focused and handing me a small, dog-eared picture of FOX News's John Gibson, the anchor's albino features nearly hidden behind faded bloodstains and an inked Hitler mustache. And down the line is Cpl. Matt Swildon, aka "the Professor," a serious young man with a studying gaze and the posture of thoughtful conviction. A Harvard gender studies graduate student earning independent study credits for the war, he's a true believer, though circumspect about his chances. "I know that some of these men, maybe me, aren't going to make it, and that saddens and scares me, and tempers my excitement for what we're about to do. But while individual loss is a tragedy, greater losses are statistics that mark the unstoppable tide of noble change. The Christian dictatorship in this country has to end. The thrall of consumerism, the People's slavery to "Santa Claus," it all must end, by the hands of the People themselves. Or if not quite end, be sort of disrupted and stuff. I mean Christians are what, like 81% of the population? And even worse, like 94% of Red-White-and-Blue Sheep celebrate Christmas? That's just not right, man. And if it takes my tears, my blood, my sacrifice, to bring that number down to a respectable 92 or even 93% or so, so be it. I'm ready, man. I'm ready," declares Swildon. A series of shrill whistles sound, the signal for the men to grab their gear and load into the motley assortment of vehicles gathered in the lot. There's a rush of activity. In fours and fives and twelves, they climb into old Dodge Darts and shiny Lincoln Navigators and Toyota Prius's and Ford Aspires, heeding the whistles, barks and paternalistic growls of their salty non-commissioned officers. (Most) engines start in tandem, a low choir of rumbling automotive voices offset by the feebly malfunctioning starter of a lone vintage VW bus. This noise, the throaty mechanical rumble, is the call to war. And swerving into a disciplined line of fourteen departing vehicles, the brave young men of the 432nd move to answer. Posted by Bill at December 8, 2005 12:10 PM | TrackBack (5) Trackback PingsTrackBack URL for this entry: CommentsIt's a quagmire! Vietnam! No blood for presents! Posted by: rbj at December 8, 2005 12:39 PM CHICKENSANTA! Posted by: B Moe at December 8, 2005 12:54 PM Claus lied! Kids died!! Posted by: Clioman at December 8, 2005 02:06 PM He knows when you are sleeping. Posted by: TallDave at December 8, 2005 02:24 PM Not sure yet exactly how I'm gonna deliver the bill, Bill, but you are gonna PAY for bringing the Bronx into this, you damn well betcha your ass on that. (geographical sidenote: with a name like "Spiratelli," he ain't from the Bronx, per se; he's from Belmont. big difference. Posted by: TC@LeatherPenguin at December 8, 2005 02:26 PM Spiratelli could certainly kick your ass. Posted by: Bill from INDC at December 8, 2005 04:17 PM This definely shows the Media Bias for ANTI CHRISTmas. You media types are all the same. Where's the other side fo the story, showing the dedication of the Christalites. Where are the movies, books, websites and blogs? Posted by: Big Mac w/ an Egg at December 8, 2005 05:44 PM "Spiratelli could certainly kick your ass." Nah. My goombas would kick his goomba ass right back across the Goomba Gangplank (Verrazano-Narrow Bridge) if he came looking for me ... and then they'd make me buy them each a bag of cannolis. Posted by: TC@LeatherPenguin at December 9, 2005 10:02 AM But where are the peace protesters with their "NO BLOOD FOR ORNAMENTS!!" and "SANTA = HALLIBURTON" signs?
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