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« Speaking Of Harry Shearer... | Main | Cocktails Of The Future » November 28, 2005
Important Note
Posted by Bill I've just secured my escape from a relativistic rip in the space-time continuum fueled by the four lazy days of a holiday weekend, the virtual infinity of back-to-back-to-back-to-back Law and Order episodes on TNT HD, six bags of salted pistachios, individual bottles of Mezcal, Barbados Plantation rum, Belvedere vodka and rubbing alcohol and, ultimately and embarrassingly, the desperate, dying gasps of propellant from a Colgate shaving cream can. How did it begin? The last thing I can clearly recall from our world is my laying prone on the couch, sipping a Mezcal-accented Orange Julius and watching the conclusion of my third consecutive Law and Order episode (the closeted gay professional ballplayer did it and got off on suppressed evidence!). I remember entertaining a brief yet determined impulse to rise and exercise, but TNT's neat continuity trick roped my arms and legs, sinking me further into the warm folds of the sofa's spongy faux-suede loam. You see, as another suspenseful Law and Order attains denouement, instead of properly breaking between repeats, the credits roll in a small horizontal zone underneath the start of a new episode. And the accidental discovery of a new dead body, the command of burning blue letters and the stern lecture about the elegant structure of our criminal justice system present an irresistible psychological lure to goggle more crime, fresh intrigue and Angie Harmon 's bosom. And just like that, bang, you're trapped. A few observations/occurrences: 1. I believe that I've solved the murders of Jimmy Hoffa, Jonbenet Ramsey, Nicole Simpson and Kurt Cobain via a combination of learned investigative protocol, exceptional internet research skills and mystical augury relying on the applied geometric patterns of randomly strewn pistachio shells. I implore law enforcement with relevant jurisdiction to contact me immediately. 2. Time moves more slowly here. In the L&O Rip in the Space-Time Continuum (L&ORSTC), I had the leisure of successfully tracking down Ms. Harmon at a SoHo cafe, where I swiftly incapacitated Jason Sehorn with an Impact Kerambit Fighting Travel Wrench and stole my love away to a romantic two-month tent retreat among the cacti and gila monsters of the Mojave Desert. Despite some initial protestations, Angie soon fell deeply in love with me (deeply), anulled her marriage (it seems that the Sehorn-Harmon union had never been properly consummated, as his anomalistic white cornerback speed was unsurprisingly spurred by a sexually-suppressive cocktail of designer equine anabolics) and aggressively angled for our very own wedded union. Unfortunately, provoked by her bombastic snoring and clingy dependence, I was forced to end the relationship. Annoying, fellas, annoying. Still, sweet kid. 3. When one is trapped on a couch, used judiciously, a 5.5-quart Atlantis saucepot serves as an effective bed pan/chamber pot for a period of up to 48 hours. 4. My escape from the L&ORSTC was enabled by a combination of factors: the circumstantial discontinuation of mood-altering substances, the acquired smelling salt-like pungeance concommittant with a largely immobile four-day alcohol and pistachio-nut bender, and the sudden realization that Tyne Daly is not a hard-charging NY Assistant District Attorney, and that I'd somehow stumbled into trying to preemptively finger L&O's requisite sadistic rapist and murderer during an episode of "Judging Amy." Also, an indomitable will to live helps. To really LIVE. Anyway, my apologies for the light posting; I hope that the mitigating circumstance of my story cuts me some slack, as well as helps anyone else who's ever found himself susceptible to the crime drama siren song of Ted Turner's succubi network. To those poor souls I say: you are not alone. I've ... we've ... seen horrible, brutal things over the course of our daily investigations, things that normal people - wrapped up as they are in an artificial cocoon of piddling worry - can scarcely imagine. But we deal. We soldier on. Why? Because it's our job, detective. And the good citizens of this fair city are counting on us. Posted by Bill at November 28, 2005 12:36 PM | TrackBack (7) Trackback PingsTrackBack URL for this entry: CommentsDegenerate. Posted by: Jeff G at November 28, 2005 02:31 PM Once I went to sleep to the L&O bomp-bomp sound, and woke up about 7 hours later to the very same sound. It disturbed me and gave me the same queasy feeling I get when I'm swimming in the Gulf of Mexico and I hit a spot where the the top of the water is very hot and the bottom of the water is very cold. Posted by: Donnah at November 28, 2005 03:15 PM (just stands aside and golf claps as total idiocy goes asploding across the screen) Posted by: TC@LeatherPenguin at November 28, 2005 03:18 PM Oh, and do NYC a favor...stay the hell down on your end of the highway. Posted by: TC@LeatherPenguin at November 28, 2005 03:21 PM Um, where am I, Protein Wisdom? Jeff, have you taken over Bill's blog or something? Posted by: Beth at November 28, 2005 04:25 PM Hmm, and I thought I was a slug for watching 6 back to back "Flip That House" episodes on TLC yesterday. Booze does make TV more palatable, no? Posted by: cassandra at November 28, 2005 04:31 PM Um, where am I, Protein Wisdom? No. But one does tend to forget that Jeff Goldstein owns CREATIVITY. Of course, that silly bastard stole CREATIVITY from Douglas Adams, and he swiped it from Tom Robbins, and Robbins stole it from Kurt Vonnegut, and he stole it from ... oh, but who's keeping track? Not me for sure, that's who. Is not. Keeping track. Me. Because frankly? I'm still too sauced, anyway. Posted by: Bill from INDC at November 28, 2005 04:35 PM that's what you get for drinking busted-barrel rum. Posted by: TC@LeatherPenguin at November 28, 2005 05:11 PM "Anomalistic?" Does that have something to do with a "bad touch" from Wonkette? Posted by: Sean M. at November 28, 2005 07:52 PM "anomalistic" - Irregular; departing from common or established rules. Posted by: Bill from INDC at November 28, 2005 08:01 PM Awwww...it's no fair if you're just going to go back and edit out the typos. You used to be cool, man. Posted by: Sean M. at November 28, 2005 08:12 PM You're hallucinating. Trust me, I know. Posted by: Bill from INDC at November 28, 2005 08:13 PM Yeah, I guess you're right, Bill. After all, you were never cool. Posted by: Sean M. at November 28, 2005 08:27 PM But which law and order? the original? the second version of the orginal? the one with the tough broad or the one with the wacky yet intense guy? 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