Three physical things you like about yourself:
1. My hands (especially my opposable thumbs) and
2. ... my feet (Because they're useful)
3. My vestigial tail (Purely aesthetics)

Three physical things you don’t:
1. My shoes. (the black pair)
2. My shoes (the brown pair)
3. My "Thug Life DC" tattoo

Three things that scare you:
1. Oliver Willis
2. Katana-wielding assassins
3. The disturbing fact that Cranky Neocon listed "The eighth rep when bench pressing" under his list of "Three physical things that turn you on" ...

Three of your everyday essentials:
1. Oxygen
2. Water
3. A bracing morning concoction of embryonic stem cells and rock cocaine

Three things you are wearing now:
1. The aforementioned black shoes
2. A small mustard stain
3. Brut 33 (by Fabergé) Containing 33% of the original Brut fragrance, it's less expensive while maintaining that same sexy PUNCH. Discontinued in 1984, but I stocked up.

Oh yes.

Three of your favorite bands or musical artists:
1. Rubber
2. UHF
3. Kajagoogoo

Three things you want in a relationship:
1. Absolute subservience
2. Obsequious, sycophantic adoration
3. An assortment of freshly-baked pies and cakes. On the double!

Three physical things that turn you on:
1. The smell of desperation
2. Cicadas
3. The disturbing fact that Cranky Neocon listed "The eighth rep when bench pressing" under his list of "Three physical things that turn you on" ...

Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. Staring at people on the Metro
2. Stripper aerobics
3. Orniphilately (Watching stamps with birds on them)

Three things you want to do really badly right now:
1. Go to the bathroom
2. Angelina Jolie
3. Break free from this accursed physical shell and roam the Earth as pure energy!

Three careers you are considering:
1. Ferret wrangler
2. Doctor
3. Chicken sexer

Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. The Gaza Strip
2. Mt. Kumgang
3. EPCOT Center

Three things you want to do before you die:
1. Loads of ketamine
2. Kill a man with my bare hands
3. Destroy the Llamas.

Three people you are throwing this to next:

No one. I'd be too embarrassed to inflict this revolting viral time waster on another human being.

Oh, ok: Andrew Sullivan, Glenn Reynolds and Noam Chomsky. Why?

"Because there is just no way (they're) going to do this."

UPDATE: Robbo fires back at yours truly. I open up to you people, give you a little peek inside, and that's what I get.

Nevermore!