I questioned these veteran game wardens about the present location of the Chiroptera and the likely route of their migration. I was kindly directed to Franklin Square Park and told that I was now standing within the carefully controlled path that the swarm would likely take.

The gentleman on the right measured his words with the following warning, however: "They're anarchists, so we don't always know where the Hell they're gonna wind up ..."

Point taken, my good fellow, point taken.

I could barely contain my glee as I drew upon the swarm. This was no minor gathering of a select few common moonbats, rather a cornucopia of various genera, species and subspecies. I had struck scientific gold, and was assaulted by a whirling mix of color ...

... sound ...

... and smell, as I plunged head-first into their midst!

How many symbols of revolution can you spot?

Immediately I was presented with a fascinating mix of moonbat behavior and iconography. To the layman, these symbols might represent a confusing jumble of ideologies, but upon close examination, they are united by a common theme: what they are against. This universal thread unites the incredibly diverse species of moonbats in a common, homogenous bid to be completely different.

Here a "Common" or "Long-tongued Moonbat" (Macroglossius lunarius commonus) views me with suspicion as I record her stunning body iconography. This may seem dangerous, but the ordinary species of moonbat is actually quite docile and tolerant of the presence of interloping species.

Here we see a perfect representation of the common moonbat, typefied by hipster narrow-cut jeans, athletic yet stylish footwear and carefully mussed body hair and grooming. These look to be young males of the species, probably somewhere around 21 or 22 years-old, in their prime mating years. Quite domestic and quite harmless, these common moonbats are typically found in coffee shops and student unions across the continental United States. Moving on ...

Here we have two fantastic examples of Macroglossius lunarius fligerius, or Long-tongued Banger Moonbats, famous for their fascinatingly complex percussive compositions. Typically harmless, typically vegetarian, this species is noted for its acute sense of smell, which requires the bangers to wear kerchiefs in a bid to tolerate the pungent scent of teen spirit that hangs in the air like a fine mist at such gatherings.

As I observed the bangers, I spied my esteemed colleague, Dr. Werner VanSchtrudenbacher, a legend in the field! Here he gathers recordings for his current project, an album layering sounds of the banger moonbats over popular music tracks. Here are two of his recent album covers:

(Albums courtesy of the Llama Butchers)

Dr. VanSchtrudenbacher made his initial mark by winning the National Science Medal for his work on moonbat psychology, specifically charting the structure of the moonbat brain. In a landmark experiment, VanSchtrudenbacher locked 10 common moonbats in a windowless room with some cheese, for three weeks. Over the course of the experiment, nine of the ten moonbats died after refusing to eat the cheese, which they claimed was an oppressive symbol of the pasteurization of America by insidious corporate influences. The tenth moonbat barely survived his time in captivity by carefully rationing and drinking his own urine.

This study led to the current focus on "moonbat neo-cortex dominance," a theory that focuses on the possibilty that moonbats have an unbalanced affinity for complex symbols and characterizations, and an underdeveloped amygdala, resulting in a poor survival instinct. Fascinating work!

Macroglossius lunarius antigeriocolorarius.

Here we see a close relative of the Banger Bats, the Technicolor Hippie Moonbats. Quite friendly, quite spirited, really just joyous creatures of the woods. That's a girl, don't be shy! She's a brassy beauty!

Here I snapped a rare picture of a closely guarded moonbat ritual, "the dream quest," aka "dropping paper" or "magic tabs." What the moonbats do is typically ingest two to four small plastic or paper squares that are drenched in a substance called lysergic acid diethylamide. Within 30 minutes, the moonbat begins giggling and experiencing vivid hallucinations, which are reputed to give them an expanded political consciousness. This is a very rare and precious glimpse at what is usually a much more surreptitously executed ritual ingestion.

Here we confront our first legitimately dangerous species of moonbat, the Latin-American Revolutionary Moonbat, or Desmodus lunarius checommunista. This is a highly volatile and aggressive species, and it is important to distinguish this fellow from his more benign cousin, the Macroglossius lunarius kerrysocialista. It's helpful to remember this little ditty:

Flag of red,
Filled with dread -
Hammer and sickle,
Don't be fickle,
Run, bitch, run!

The diversity of fauna was startling. Here we have a relatively rare sighting of an ancient miniature moonbat ...

... followed by an unbelievably rare sighting of a young Desmodus lunarius nihilista, or Killer Anarchist Moonbat. This picture is startling for two reasons:

1. The young Anarchist is being supervised by an adult of the species. Such structured mothering is aberrant and highly unusual behavior.

2. The survival rate of young nihilist moonbats is extremely low - mostly due to their oft-unsupervised tendency to play in traffic, run with scissors, swim immediately after eating and toss flaming molotov cocktails at armed police.

For many years it was largely assumed that this subspecies of moonbat emerged fully formed from a spontaneous mutation of the more common species. What a find!

Unfortunately, that is all the bandwith we have for this edition of INDC Science. Please be sure and check back later for part two of our series, where we'll learn about more musical customs and give you an introduction to some of the more dangerous and predatory moonbat species! Cheerio!

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