When I feel bad, it helps me to call you at work. Frequently. Rushing me off the phone will just make me cry and pester you with e-mails. I have a little dog that I tend to bring everywhere, because if I leave him at home, he yips. If you plan on sleeping with me, you will not complain when I bring him on dates in a little black bag. I'm a little curious about spanking, but we can never try it at my house, because my ex-boyfriend lives on the other side of the wall and will hear us.
SEXUAL QUIRK:
I will blow you, but not consistently.

Or this:

Though I committed through twenty years of a failed marriage, I have a lousy track record when it comes to monogamy. As soon as want and desire become need, I get squeamish and start roaming for the next conquest. I'm opinionated and annoyingly logical. I'm short and color-blind. I'm reasonably trim for my age, which means I'm getting a bit thick in the middle. I hate shopping and wear mostly jeans and T-shirts. If you're looking for a guy with no mother issues, I'm not for you. If you want kids, I'm not for you. But if you want someone whose temper can be easily provoked, I'm your guy.

(Via Spartacus)

PS - Make sure that you actually click on the link to "goat play" ... it's not that b-a-a-a-a-a-d.