INDCJournal: INDC Journal Guerrilla Blogging Guide: Comment Spam

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May 05, 2004

INDC Journal Guerrilla Blogging Guide: Comment Spam

Posted by Bill

On Saturday, I confessed to some of my blogging sins and outed myself as a link whore. Well, it seems that some of you have taken my story to heart and are attempting to duplicate my early, shameless efforts. Case in point, commenter David Tufte, who made a clumsy pass at INDC Journal with one of my favorite guerilla tactics: the comment spam.

Let's review David's spirited, yet flawed technique. Under my link whore post, he made the following comment:

I wish I'd seen this too ... so let me blatantly beg for links to voluntaryXchange.

Just this week I've got: Bjorn Lomborg's dust-up with Scientific American, neanderthal genes goofing up our heads, what will happen when GMail meets ambient technology, and why Kofi Annan is public enemy #1.

Ah, David. Your youthful exuberance reminds me of me, way back in ... January. You struggle in the dark, groping your way up the ecosystem, pouring your heart and soul into writing blog entries for an audience of yourself, your mom and your one friend who occasionally surfs on slow days at his government desk job. On cold, lonely nights, you lie awake and ask yourself "Why must my genius be overlooked by the fates?!" You toss and turn, and eventually get out of bed, stumble out into the elements, kneel in the midst of a blaring thunderstorm and hatefully curse the cruel God that has condemned you to toil in torturous obscurity. Been there.

So you want to get the word out, and you want it out now. Time to comment spam! Here's the proper technique:

1. Carefully stake out your prey. Your first mistake in comment spamming INDC Journal was the fact that you chose a blog that really doesn't actually have any readers. The best targets can be found by scouting the top echelons of the blogosphere for sites that have open comment threads. For example, Tim Blair, Dean Esmay, Allah and Protein Wisdom are all big shots that have been foolish enough to maintain reader comments. Capitalize on their faux-populist attempts to maintain a connection with "the people." (Don't be fooled, however; every blogger is an "ivory tower Andrew Sullivan" at heart!)

2. Choose your subject matter. Don't just perform a jack-of-all-trades link dump in a man's comment section; it's bad form, even in the inherently shady parlance of comment spam. Remember, even comment spammers look at link dumpers with disdain! (Sort of like the treatment that child molestors receive from murderers and thieves in prison) Instead, surf the big sites that you like, spot a blog entry that is related to something that you've written (or vice versa), and lock and load. Which brings us to the next rule.

3. Don't "blatantly beg" for a link. You are cool. You are confident. You ain't here to comment spam, you're just trying to add something to the discussion by offering up a little related link, daddio. Here are some sample scripts:

The Tim Blair comment spam: "G'day Tim. Yeah, Margot Kingston is a stupid bitch ... check out this photoshop of her getting shit on by a kangaroo! No worries."

The Allah comment spam: "Oh Creator of Worlds, may your beatific beneficence cast its warm glow upon my proud kaffiyah. I humbly submit this photoshop of Yassir Arafat getting raped by a badger."

The Dean Esmay comment spam: "Hey Dean - I agree with the concept that Paleolithic diets may ward off modern spikes in the rates of early-onset diabetes, heart disease and cancer, but I have yet to run across a multifactorial study that examines this issue with any statistical significance. I did come across this table that cross-tabs daily protein consumption with rates of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, though. Check it out, it's fascinating!

The Protein Wisdom comment spam: "I was shootin' putty at the moon ... thinkin' Goldstein makes spirits bright, but then I'm like, why you hasslin' me, bitch? Knowhatimsayin? Link."

Get the drift? Kingston-hate for Blair, Arafat badger-rape for Allah, cross-tabs for Dean and God-knows-what for Goldstein. Any of these approaches have a serious shot of getting you noticed!

Now gussy up your blog entries, write some cool stuff, use spell-check and you're ready. Go forth, my child and comment spam!

UPDATE: INDC favorite son Boyd displays perfect form with his brilliant piece of spam in this post's comment section. Here's your cookie, Boyd.

ANOTHER UPDATE: James Joyner has more thoughts on the matter. Time to invest in a wayback machine.

Posted by Bill at May 5, 2004 12:05 AM | TrackBack (19)

Comments

Moonbats! Moonbats! Moonbats!

Posted by: Jeff G at May 5, 2004 01:10 AM

Quick learner! Nice form!

Posted by: Bill from INDC at May 5, 2004 01:26 AM

The hell you say! What do you mean, "I don't have any readers"? I mean, you know, like, I read you, and...

um...

Some other folks read you...and...er...

Anyway, as I mentioned here, young David might consider using a combination of comments and trackbacks. You know, cover all the bases. Belt and suspenders.

Posted by: Boyd at May 5, 2004 08:05 AM

A+

Posted by: The Commissar at May 5, 2004 09:26 AM

To hell with linkwhoring, I want to see the picture of Yasser Arafat and the badger.

Posted by: Dr. Kate at May 5, 2004 09:54 AM

Kate -

I'm not so good with Photoshop, but I can send you the original with me and the badger if you'd like ... let me know.

Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at May 5, 2004 10:38 AM

Talk about "being careful what you wish for," eh?

Posted by: Dr. Kate at May 5, 2004 02:01 PM

My own tips (YMMV - I only really have a couple links and small readership, but I dream big).

1) Trackbacks. Trackbacks. Trackbacks. Trackbacks. Did I mention Trackbacks?

2) Appropriately fawning comments directed to the owner of the blog. You have to be complementary without being too butt-kissing. No one like a syncophant (well, I do, but no one else).

3) Use the power of the link. If most bloggers are obsessive and attention-craving as I, then they're checking to see who's linked to them as often as I check to see who's linked to me. Most folks will return that link gladly. If they don't, it's no sweat. You're not really out anything. At worst, you're sending your readers to a blog you think is worth reading, which can only be good for them and reflect well on you.

4) If you do post something in your blog that's germane to the original post, and mention it in the comment section, don't trumpet it. Just say it's there and that folks might want to take a look. They will or they won't, but even if you get just a few people, it's a few more than you had before. Take none of them for granted. Show the love.

5) Moonbats sell.

Then again, I'm a rank newbie at this and have just started getting my feet wet, so temper my comment with that.

Posted by: Jimmie at May 5, 2004 02:52 PM

Just how do you put a link in a comments section ?

Posted by: Tim Worstall at May 6, 2004 03:18 AM

I think Tim just managed to clap with one hand.

Posted by: Chris at May 6, 2004 09:28 AM

Bill,

Thanks for the tips. You post will be good inspiration for my Annual Blog Report (second "blogiversary") on May 7.

All the Best,

Martin Lindeskog - American in Spirit.
Gothenburg, Sweden (a.k.a. the socialist "paradise").

Posted by: Martin Lindeskog at May 6, 2004 09:45 AM

are you sure its a badger? i've heard tell it could be a wolverine

Posted by: akaky at May 6, 2004 02:36 PM

Trackback is useful for getting that one extra link you need to keep from slipping back to Lowly Insect. Also, start a second and third blog and link to yourself shamelessly.

Posted by: Brainster at May 6, 2004 04:42 PM

You can call this 'stealth whoring' or 'passive-aggressive whoring:' I usually just random-walk other blogrolls until I find a new blog I like. Then I link to it and (this is key) always view that blog via my blogroll. Most blogs I do this to eventually find me in their referrer logs and link back to me. And I don't even have to beg for a link!

Bill, did I do that to you or did you do that to me? I don't remember.

Posted by: Chris at May 6, 2004 06:09 PM

I have another "don't". Look carefully at your time budget before you sign up for blogfundraising. You skyrocket up the ecosphere and you get lots of hits.

And you can even sustain 'em, to an extent. Especially if you have the bump in google from the fundraiser and you have a post called that mentions "iraqi torture photos" - that's my own personal "Paris Hilton Head Job Video" googlelanche.

But - if you aren't prepared to spend the time and be a blogdwarf, slaving in the mines, follow Bill and Commissar's advice! Lest you end up like Michelle.

Wait! I'm supposed to link to my own stuff, aren't I.

D-oh!

Be careful what you wish for!

Posted by: John of Argghhh! at May 6, 2004 07:10 PM

Heh. I knew that you fundraiser heads were doing it for the marines ... and the links.

Chris - i don't recall - I think one or the other of us commented, though I recall finding that youd permalinked me via the TLB?

Whatever it was - it was a magical day!

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