April 30, 2004
INDC Science Series: Seasonal Moonbat IMF Migration, Part Two
Posted by Bill
Reminder: This INDC Science Series is best appreciated if read aloud with an Australian or Queen's English accent. Thank you.
And, welcome back to the second and final chapter of INDC Journal's Science Series documenting the Seasonal Moonbat IMF Migration! By the end of our previous installment, we'd learned about some common moonbat species, explained some typical iconography and spotted some rare beauties. Let's rejoin the swarm!
After I calmed down from the excitement of spotting the young Desmodus lunarius nihilista, I began to hear something that resembled music ... acoustic guitar, yes, it was a Macroglossius lunarius commonus folk dancing ritual, about to take place before my very eyes! Let's have a listen:
Surrounded by an army
Behind a fence
World leaders kept on talkin’
And they thanked God, they thanked Boeing,
They defended their positions
Struck by the catchy nature of the tune, and filled with a sudden and powerful urge to dance, I hastily decided that it was time to move on.
A common misperception about moonbats is the belief that they are godless creatures. As is evidenced by these intricately crafted paper mache totems, that is not necessarily the case. The blue fellow on the left is the one called Naed Drawoh, the "Destroyer," or "Devourer of Worlds," considered the patriarch of the New Gods by various moonbat species. The lady in green is Y'Rallih, the "Matron Goddess of the Village."
According to legend, Naed Drawoh defied the higher pantheon of Old Gods in a brave bid to save humankind from the yoke of eternal servitude. In a last desperate battle he uttered a final ear-splitting war cry and promised to lead the faithful to victory across the land, but in the end was betrayed and cast out of the higher planes by the Ancient Ones. Moonbats believe that he bides his time until Ragnarok, or the "final reckoning," when the faithful will be called to revolution on the middle plane of Earth.
Y'Rallih is a much more complex figure. Often called the "Cunning One," or "She of Thick Ankles," she is feared as well as respected. It is believed that she bides her time among the Ancient Gods, waiting for her opportune moment to seize ultimate power. Moonbats have a love-hate relationship with Y'Rallih, but they generally assume to unite behind her once she ushers in the period of Nochtenveer, or "the thousand years of darkness."
While not necessary in the context of the current, massive swarm, when searching for more isolated gatherings of moonbats, it's helpful to remember that they are typically drawn towards stagnant pools of filthy water.
Ah, here we see a local District favorite, a pack of migrating Western Warblar Moonbats practicing the art of Luna-Kuchipodi, or traditional rhythmic dance. I've tagged this pack before, and each has a name and ID transmitter that enables us to keep track of their health status and whereabouts. They look strapping and beautiful!
Our weapon of choice is not a gun
The pack then moaned and groaned loudly, dissolved into a seething pile and engaged in simulated sex acts. Amazing.
Here we have a great shot of CheeChi, perhaps one of the most beautiful and interesting specimens I've discovered to date. CheeChi is remarkable because he isn't actually a Western Warbler, rather a Flat-billed Howler Moonbat that was crippled and orphaned by trigger-happy game wardens in Seattle and taken in by the group. This welcoming behavior really speaks volumes about the open and familial nature of these highly gregarious creatures. CheeChi hoarsely sings several octaves lower than his compatriots, and dances with a limp, but they gladly accept him as one of their own.
Here we have a great sequence of our girl Luna, performing a ritual attack simulation. If she was legitimately threatened and performing the strike in earnest, it would be accompanied by a howling shriek and the simultaneous discharge of various bodily fluids.
Here we have DeeDee on the left and Pinky on the right. Mistaking me for one of her own, Pinky is giving me her best "come hither" mating stare, while DeeDee blindly sways on. DeeDee suffers from a condition called Chiba Retinopathy, a highly common moonbat disease acquired from exposure to caustic fumes from something called the "sticky-icky." Repeated smoke exposure dries and kills the blood vessels in the eyes, and the the body compensates by overgrowing back a mass of new blood vessels that serve to cloud and dim the moonbat's vision and render them highly sensitive to light. Fortunately, the communal nature of the warblers guarantees this girl's continued survival.
Here we catch two Macroglossius lunarius gothikas indulging in a bit of the aforementioned "sticky-icky." The dazed yet friendly look in this boy's eyes indicates that he has also probably gone "wet" in an attempt to embark on a "dream quest." Good luck, little fellow.
Another District regular that INDC readers will recognize ...
This is where the expertise of a professional becomes essential, as we spot several full-grown specimens of Desmodus lunarius nihilista arboles, or the Dreaded Killer Anarchist Tree-bat. A close relative of its ground-dwelling cousin, it is imperative that one stays far away from these aggressive beasts. Unwary humans and benign moonbats step under their perch at great peril, as the the Tree-bat is known to toss feces, firebombs, or just leap downwards and pounce on its prey. Highly dangerous, highly unpredictable, stay away!
Here we see a full-grown example of the ground-dwelling Desmodus lunarius nihilista. This tragedy was not caught on film, but immediately after this picture was taken, the young buck turned and charged my position, and I was forced to dispatch him with several well-placed Hydro Shock rounds. Tragic, but a necessary risk to entertain when attempting close interaction with these wild and unpredictable creatures.
Herding game wardens keep their mounts some distance from the swarm, as the horses are known to stampede when exposed to the overwhelming scent of patchouli, and some moonbat species are spooked by close proximity to the four-legged beasts.
The migration begins! Horns blaring, beating drums and throaty shouts marked the call to march!
I inserted myself amongst the masses to get the best possible shots. Their twittering excitement was palpable!
There are at least eight species of moonbats in this frame alone. Can you identify them?
This fellow got a bit nervous as he spied me mixing with the swarm, but took no aggressive action.
Some Ancient Mini's proudly declared their allegiances and tried to keep pace with the younger members of the swarm. Unfortunately, mere minutes after this picture was taken, the Minis were trampled to death and partially eaten by a pack of rampaging nihilstas. In the midst of this sad yet natural event, I could hear the minis shouting. "Kofi, help us! Heeeeelp us!"
A beautiful specimen of Macroglossius lunarius afrikanusbadcreditus.
I followed the swarm through the canyons of glass, and to my surprise, there were no mass disruptions or serious attacks carried out by the more aggressive species. Other than a few random aggressors that needed to be captured or put-down, it seems that the pre-installed cages and heavily-armed game wardens enabled this to be a safe, healthy season.
Several of the moonbats began to get a little nervous as they massed near the IMF, and not wanting to push my luck, I decided to call it a day. We'd seen a fantastic variety of species, witnessed various religious and social rituals and iconography, had a rare sighting of an immature nihilista and only had to dispatch one rabid adult. All-in-all, a fascinating and successful expedition.
I hope you've enjoyed INDC's coverage!
For the curious, a few moonbat FAQ's can be found here. Further inquiries are more than welcome.
And if you've missed our previous efforts, be sure and take a moment to peruse some past INDC coverage:
Posted by Bill at April 30, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack (20)
Interesting here is the interplay between your studies and those of the swarms south of the English channel (Babbleus lunarius francais) by Dr. Ian Eurueasuck.
Ground dwelling babbleus lunarius francais bucks exhibit tremendous landspeed locomotion in a contrary direction from virtually all stimuli, including threats, primary colors, shampoo bottles, any lack of irony, Hong Kong Phooey and the letter M.
Posted by: rpongett at April 30, 2004 03:02 AM
Another outstanding study.
I don't know how you keep your wits about you in the midst of all that asshatery.
Posted by: keggin at April 30, 2004 03:03 AM
Moonbats believe that he bides his time until Ragnarok, or the "final reckoning," when the faithful will be called to revolution on the middle plane of Earth.
At which point the whole lot of Loki's will be cast into Nifelheim to wail and gnash their teeth for eternity.
Posted by: Tongue Boy at April 30, 2004 10:23 AM
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 30, 2004 10:29 AM
Absolute, solid gold, Bill. I bow to you. I have to wonder if you're a biologist, this is so true to form.
Posted by: maura at April 30, 2004 11:22 AM
I currently work in marketing/advertising, but I am contemplating (and working on pre-reqs for) a second career in genetics and/or medicine.
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 30, 2004 11:30 AM
I -need- a Dreaded Killer Anarchist Tree-bat t-shirt.
Posted by: Dr. Kate at April 30, 2004 11:34 AM
Posted by: willow at April 30, 2004 11:51 AM
Dreaded Killer Anarchist Tree-bats!!!
"Vee vant to suck your blo-oood."
Posted by: The Commissar at April 30, 2004 11:58 AM
I was forced to dispatch him with several well-placed Hydro Shock rounds.
I nearly pissed myself on that one. Bravo!
Posted by: TC-LeatherPenguin at April 30, 2004 12:30 PM
Fascinating anthropological field study! You may well uncover a new species of Lunaria, and it would be neither immodest nor without precedent to name one after yourself, as discoverer. Perhaps "Chiroptera Lunaria Indicii".
One wonders whether a number of these creatures have called in sick to the brokerage houses, banks, and insurance companies where they work.
Posted by: Mike at April 30, 2004 12:36 PM
I laughed. Then I kept laughing!
Posted by: Chris Muir at April 30, 2004 12:52 PM
Speaking of moonbats and their effect on horses, in Sydney a couple years ago there was a moonbat swarm which was so spooked by the presence of police horses that the swarm spontaneously excreted thousands of hard glassy spheres for the horses to slip on (and one horse did, as I recall).
Afterwards, the police were criticized by the press for provoking the moonbats by the use of mounted officers, and thus endangering the poor horses. There may have been something to this; as we know, moonbats (like all wild creatures) cannot reason, they can only obey their instincts.
Excellent work, Bill!
(By the way, if you're serious about starting a second career as a scientist, I hope you've accumulated a nice fat nest egg from your current career. You'll need it.)
Posted by: Angie Schultz at April 30, 2004 12:59 PM
Working on it (the nest egg), though these bandwith charges are killing me! :-)
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 30, 2004 01:01 PM
I should never surf the web in your direction while taking a serious technical class. It was hard to explain the gatorade blowing out of my nose!
Posted by: Beth Donovan at April 30, 2004 01:01 PM
Think of all the parents who, upon spying their offspring in this fine photo-documentary, will no doubt be reflecting with swelling satisfaction on the college tuition dollars so obviously well-spent.
Posted by: Zeb Trout at April 30, 2004 01:09 PM
Man...you just have nothing of value to say at all, do you? You've taken some very good photographs, but your jokes all fall flat and your hatred and jealosy really shine through.
Posted by: Don Myers at April 30, 2004 01:18 PM
Hatred and jealousy?
This is light stuff Don, very light stuff. I bear no ill-will towards the swarm, and I thought my treatment was somewhat complimentary in spots. If we can't crack jokes about folks that are screaming for attention by performing simulated humping in a park, what exactly is fair game?
As I've admonished you before, lighten up.
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 30, 2004 01:27 PM
Correction: I bear no ill-will towards the MOST OF the swarm. Those that are actively supporting terrorists may kindly die with those that they admire.
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 30, 2004 01:27 PM
If the moonbats had anything of value to say to begin with maybe mocking them would be a tad bit insensitive.
They are, however, spoiled and petulant malcontents and misfits. They are so puffed up on self-righteous convictions that they're nothing more than caricatures which invite scorn.
Posted by: keggin at April 30, 2004 01:44 PM
And they say this religion is weird and out of this world.
Posted by: Ricky Vandal at April 30, 2004 02:09 PM
Whatever you may think it can't be denied that Bill is performing an important scientific task, that of educating us about moonbats as well as creating a taxonomy which distinguishes them.
I can't tell you the amount of times that I've been minding my own business walking under a tree and suddenly had feces flung at me from a branch on high in said tree. I used to think it was some practical jokester but I now know that Desmodus lunarius nihilista arboles is the culprit.
I for one am grateful for this knowledge and have thoroughly enjoyed reading about the different species, their rituals, etc. Thanks again Bill.
Posted by: orfi at April 30, 2004 02:14 PM
No, thank YOU, orfi.
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 30, 2004 02:27 PM
Bill, I know you maintain that this is "light stuff," but it really comes off as mean-spirited and right-wing. At least to me.
You're quite correct that I should lighten up, of course---but every time I look at the corporate-controlled media I tend to get my panties in a bunch.
All and all, however, I do like your blog...
Posted by: Don Myers at April 30, 2004 02:46 PM
Right wing? You bet your ass! Good read. I am right-wing on many issues, notably national defense and economics.
But it's also compassionate conservatism here at INDC.
Don, you've got me thinking - mayhaps I should do a post just to illustrate the difference between poking fun and downright mean ... hmmmm ...
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 30, 2004 02:48 PM
What's wrong with corporate-controlled media? Would state-controlled media be better?
Posted by: Iraqi Intelligence at April 30, 2004 03:20 PM
"[C]orporate-controlled media"? Do you mean the media that finds anything remotely capitalistic a deadly threat to all life on earth? Surely this is your attempt to lighten up and is put forth as a jest?
The next time you get ruffled by the corporations, try to go for three days without using anything that was grown, manufactured, produced, shipped, or retailed by a corporation. That will include power, water, food, clothes, tools, housing, commercial buildings, and transportation. If you have your own sheep, from which you make your own cloth and thread, your own hut made from local materials gathered by hand, your own (hopefully bacteria free) stream, your own horse, and your own garden, you should do just fine. Try it; it is amazingly instructive.
As far as "mean-spirited," you have no idea how mean-spirited some of us can get about people who want to rip our liberties away (aka the 'left') and turn every facet of our lives over to heavy-handed government bureaucrats who couldn't run a lemonade stand with a complete materials kit and a set of printed instructions. So, yes, Bill from INDC Journal is producing this very “light stuff,” which I recommend that you enjoy as fine satire.
May your life be stress free and full of joy.
Posted by: Chuck at April 30, 2004 03:32 PM
Pinky is a treasure.
Posted by: Lenin at April 30, 2004 03:42 PM
You should be the next host of Wild Kingdom! On my trip to DC last July I was only able to see 4 or 5 moonbats in front of the W.H.---disappointing! (although I think some of the species hanging around DuPont Cir were actually moonbats pre-morph).
You're right, it had to be instinctual. You know moonbats all have their PETA cards and would NEVER intentionally harm a horse, no matter what kind of foul storm trooper is atop it!
Posted by: Mitch at April 30, 2004 04:08 PM
If you listen closely, you can hear the plaintive cry of "ispeaktruthtopower", a common linguistic feature of all moonbati that allows them to recognize each other.
The other chief mode of expression sounds something like "thatsnotfunny". This, also, is common across the genus.
Posted by: Steve in Houston at April 30, 2004 04:12 PM
"Macroglossius lunarius narisplanus boarerus in full-throated yowl."
Oh my hell! That is the absolute best photo to sum up the Moonbats....in the post I wrote about this, I used this photo. Of course you got all the credit...the whole post was about you and your daring feats in DC...I hope you don't mind I put it up...if you decide you want me to remove it, let me know...I hope not cause again, it's perfect.
Thank you once again for getting out there and being so close to the.......ugh...I shudder at the thought....just...just thank you Bill.
Posted by: Serenity at April 30, 2004 04:25 PM
Corporate controlled media is right wing?
Actually, I find it mostly just mindless drivel, not right wing at all. Are the right wing messages somehow encoded, Don? Perhaps I would find it more right wing if I recorded the news and played it backwards?
God bless the Economist, or I wouldn't get any news at all.
Posted by: Carolynn at April 30, 2004 05:03 PM
Bill - Very entertaining and funny. But don't get too cocky. I'm sure you'd be quite embarrassed to find out that you were the specimen under observation without even knowing it.
Posted by: Jimmy at April 30, 2004 06:38 PM
This would make a kick-ar$e thesis!
The world needs to know: What are the scientological efficacies of the various vector mechanism theses regarding patchouli glandular secretions in dictating intra-species ingestion rates of the anti-nauseal "sticky-icky" herb?
Should such readily observable behavioural patterns be considered to be sub-species dependent, or are such herd-bonding activities driven more by a common socio-biological collectivist parasitism? Furthermore is the resultant Venal Vegetative Vegan State of Disorder (V3SD) the desired evolutionary outcome or are practitioners just a common pack of Peerus Wankersaurus engaging in aposematic mimickry?
Anyway, I find it all so enthralling! Just the mere contemplation of engaging in facsimulsex (dry-humping in the common vernacular) protestation with DeeDee has actually got me considering crossing species.
...on second thought, the female's distinct resemblence to Herr Dr. Seus alongside such copious patchouli residues would require an intensive "sticky-icky" prophylactic treatment which could quite possibly damage my brain irreparably.
In any event, I implore you to keep up this important yet dangerous line of research...I'm sure there's grant money out there for such valuable scientifical work.
Posted by: Rtfm at April 30, 2004 06:55 PM
Lovely! That's my field.
Idea - if you need an assistant the next time? I'm not too far away, and I'd be honored.
Posted by: maura at April 30, 2004 08:12 PM
This reminds me of my kindergartners class. They do dress up, arts and crafts, clap and sing songs. Of course, they also appreciate our soldiers and sailors protecting them, so I guess the comparison is not exact.
Posted by: Skeej at April 30, 2004 08:39 PM
Rtfm - Go back and read the moonbat FAQ post, where I discuss that there is in fact no endogenous patchouli secretion.
I'm really unsure what you are getting at ... am I being cocky? Are you projecting something here?
Listen - we are ALL specimens under observation, every day. As I mention earlier, when one decides to scream and carry a sign, put on unusual clothes and dry hump others in a public park while singing about masturbation, one IS asking, nay BEGGING for attention.
I'm just providing a service.
I will brook no suggestion that I am being petty or mean with my analysis. You will notice that there are no direct malicious attacks on any god-given physical characteristics in any post, or much of anything that resembles reality, for that matter. It's very light satire ... and why am I even explaining this again?
Maura, I'll keep it in mind. Been getting some offers of help and I'm not sure if it might just slow me down. :-) But thanks.
Posted by: Bill from INDC at April 30, 2004 09:10 PM
I favor a stout blast of di-hyrogen oxide for self-defence in these situations too. I always pack a side-arm so loaded on such days.
Posted by: de-programmer at April 30, 2004 09:10 PM
"God bless the Economist, or I wouldn't get any news at all."
I thought I was the only one who felt this way!!
Posted by: RoboMarine at April 30, 2004 09:50 PM
In the midst of this sad yet natural event, I could hear the minis shouting. "Kofi, help us! Heeeeelp us!"
Pure gold. I just had a vision of Kofi swooping down, wearing brightly-colored tights, with a big "K" on his chest...
Posted by: Xoxotl at May 1, 2004 08:10 AM
Bill, I will be flying into DC to hang with my parents over Mom's Day weekend. Is there any moonbat crap going on for the dates 5/6-5/10? I want to come down and harras them and wear my new "Peace Through Superior Firepower" Tee Shirt.
Posted by: Winky at May 1, 2004 11:31 AM
As a denizen of the caves of the Seattle SSR, I am most familiar with moonbattery. I commend your powers of observation and analysis. I could almost smell the little cuties.
Posted by: Bleepless at May 1, 2004 02:11 PM
So Bill, when do you think the herd will be large enough for a regular hunting season? Or do you think we will be restricted to catch-and-release for the foreseeable future?
Posted by: Ken Summers at May 1, 2004 10:50 PM
We must have passed each other while moonbat-watching. Here are my own photos of the World Bank Protest:
I particularly admire the Communist flags right up front and the giant socialist banners. That't truth in advertising. You know exactly what you're getting in this march.
Posted by: Tantor at May 2, 2004 02:50 AM
Posted by: Bill from INDC at May 2, 2004 08:13 AM
kind of silly. only slightly amusing.
please speak up more for corporate socialism, and the expansion of the military welfare state. you need to be a fortune 100 company just to get a hand out around here!
Posted by: jed at May 18, 2004 03:30 PM