A common misconception, Kate. Moonbats apply patchouli externally, in concentrations that often cause toxic levels to arise in the bloodstream. Once a moonbat hits "patchouli saturation," they typically either enter anaphylactic shock followed by widespread organ failure, or undergo a rapid mutation by which their body embraces a new blood type: Pch negative. Once a moonbat has undergone this fundamental metabolic shift, it is officially dependent upon administration of exogenous patchouli for the rest of its life, much like a diabetic depends on insulin.

As for the stench, it was indeed oppressive, but tolerable to humans for short periods of exposure. It's also important to note that when documenting the swarm, often patchouli is the least of one's olfactory worries.

2. Rtfm writes:

Could zoo breeding programs be a solution to prevent further decline within their genetic pool?

First of all, Moonbats are in no danger of extinction. They fuck. A lot. And though much of this sexual activity is non-procreative and exploits orafices in ways that you may not have ever imagined, the male's sperm does occasionally fertilize the odd egg or two.

Second, the decline of quality within the genetic pool is an inevitable consequence of circular, dead-end ideology. Since moonbats are naturally anti-establishment, documenting their decline is one of the best indicators we have that mainstream society is indeed successful. I wouldn't have it any other way.

3. Colleague Brennan Stout expresses that he has had difficulty blending in during his attempts to document the Chicago swarm:

Different outfits don't work either. From "Men in Black" to "Bozo the Clown" I cannot disguise myself well enough to skirt their illustrious nasal senses.

It sounds like you are trying to hard, Dr. Stout. This isn't a Halloween party, it's a tribalistic ritual gathering. If you steer clear of the dangerous species and dress in a simple monochromatic t-shirt and jeans, they will likely leave you be. If that doesn't work, try smearing your body with poo.

4. Ernie G. writes:

How does one explain, in the presence of elaborate displays of social behavior, and the primitive use of symbols, the total lack of grooming behavior?

A common question. Many species of moonbat actually have very complex and elaborate grooming rituals, but since the goal is to project carefully considered apathy, the result is largely the same. I can assure you, however, that Macroglossius lunarius commonus does in fact use large quantities of American Crew Fiber or Loreal Styling Gel. Other species, including the more virulent strains of anarchists (who will be more heavily documented in part two), are less concerned with such trappings, especially in light of the imminent danger of handling burning projectiles in close proximity to highly-flammable hair products.

5. And finally, McGehee sums up a common line of inquiry with this age-old question:

Can you recommend products or methods that will confine or repel these things so we can nip this thing in the bud?

Like most wild creatures, the first rule of behavior is to leave them alone. Respect their space and it is likely that they will respect yours. In the event that a moonbat becomes unavoidably aggressive however, further measures can be taken. I often listen to many commenters discuss which form of automatic weapon or caliber is best to "mow down" these fascinating creatures, and it frankly seems a bit excessive. Most common moonbats are relatively harmless; a swift newspaper swat on the nose or a kick in the arse will usually suffice.

For more inherently aggressive and maniacal species, Hydro Shock 45 ACP rounds will typically do the trick.

I hope this answers some of your more pressing questions, please check back later for part two of our series.

UPDATE: Brian in Colorado actually asked the final question. My apologies.