April 28, 2004
INDC Science Series: Seasonal Moonbat IMF Migration, Part One
Posted by Bill
Note: This INDC Science Series is best appreciated if read aloud with an Australian or Queen's English accent. Thank you.
Spring is in the air here in Washington, DC. The cherry blossoms have come and gone, the sun is shining, the air is thick with pollen and representatives of the IMF and World Bank are gathering, factors that all combine to form a perfect storm of seasonal moonbat migration in the downtown area of the District. As a research scientist dedicated to documenting the behaviors of the order Chiroptera, I considered this a miraculous opportunity, especially since my recent efforts to find these fascinating creatures had been met with rather disappointing results.
I questioned these veteran game wardens about the present location of the Chiroptera and the likely route of their migration. I was kindly directed to Franklin Square Park and told that I was now standing within the carefully controlled path that the swarm would likely take.
The gentleman on the right measured his words with the following warning, however: "They're anarchists, so we don't always know where the Hell they're gonna wind up ..."
Point taken, my good fellow, point taken.
I could barely contain my glee as I drew upon the swarm. This was no minor gathering of a select few common moonbats, rather a cornucopia of various genera, species and subspecies. I had struck scientific gold, and was assaulted by a whirling mix of color ...
... sound ...
... and smell, as I plunged head-first into their midst!
Immediately I was presented with a fascinating mix of moonbat behavior and iconography. To the layman, these symbols might represent a confusing jumble of ideologies, but upon close examination, they are united by a common theme: what they are against. This universal thread unites the incredibly diverse species of moonbats in a common, homogenous bid to be completely different.
Here a "Common" or "Long-tongued Moonbat" (Macroglossius lunarius commonus) views me with suspicion as I record her stunning body iconography. This may seem dangerous, but the ordinary species of moonbat is actually quite docile and tolerant of the presence of interloping species.
Here we see a perfect representation of the common moonbat, typefied by hipster narrow-cut jeans, athletic yet stylish footwear and carefully mussed body hair and grooming. These look to be young males of the species, probably somewhere around 21 or 22 years-old, in their prime mating years. Quite domestic and quite harmless, these common moonbats are typically found in coffee shops and student unions across the continental United States. Moving on ...
Here we have two fantastic examples of Macroglossius lunarius fligerius, or Long-tongued Banger Moonbats, famous for their fascinatingly complex percussive compositions. Typically harmless, typically vegetarian, this species is noted for its acute sense of smell, which requires the bangers to wear kerchiefs in a bid to tolerate the pungent scent of teen spirit that hangs in the air like a fine mist at such gatherings.
As I observed the bangers, I spied my esteemed colleague, Dr. Werner VanSchtrudenbacher, a legend in the field! Here he gathers recordings for his current project, an album layering sounds of the banger moonbats over popular music tracks. Here are two of his recent album covers:
Dr. VanSchtrudenbacher made his initial mark by winning the National Science Medal for his work on moonbat psychology, specifically charting the structure of the moonbat brain. In a landmark experiment, VanSchtrudenbacher locked 10 common moonbats in a windowless room with some cheese, for three weeks. Over the course of the experiment, nine of the ten moonbats died after refusing to eat the cheese, which they claimed was an oppressive symbol of the pasteurization of America by insidious corporate influences. The tenth moonbat barely survived his time in captivity by carefully rationing and drinking his own urine.
This study led to the current focus on "moonbat neo-cortex dominance," a theory that focuses on the possibilty that moonbats have an unbalanced affinity for complex symbols and characterizations, and an underdeveloped amygdala, resulting in a poor survival instinct. Fascinating work!
Here I snapped a rare picture of a closely guarded moonbat ritual, "the dream quest," aka "dropping paper" or "magic tabs." What the moonbats do is typically ingest two to four small plastic or paper squares that are drenched in a substance called lysergic acid diethylamide. Within 30 minutes, the moonbat begins giggling and experiencing vivid hallucinations, which are reputed to give them an expanded political consciousness. This is a very rare and precious glimpse at what is usually a much more surreptitously executed ritual ingestion.
Here we confront our first legitimately dangerous species of moonbat, the Latin-American Revolutionary Moonbat, or Desmodus lunarius checommunista. This is a highly volatile and aggressive species, and it is important to distinguish this fellow from his more benign cousin, the Macroglossius lunarius kerrysocialista. It's helpful to remember this little ditty:
Flag of red,
The diversity of fauna was startling. Here we have a relatively rare sighting of an ancient miniature moonbat ...
... followed by an unbelievably rare sighting of a young Desmodus lunarius nihilista, or Killer Anarchist Moonbat. This picture is startling for two reasons:
1. The young Anarchist is being supervised by an adult of the species. Such structured mothering is aberrant and highly unusual behavior.
2. The survival rate of young nihilist moonbats is extremely low - mostly due to their oft-unsupervised tendency to play in traffic, run with scissors, swim immediately after eating and toss flaming molotov cocktails at armed police.
For many years it was largely assumed that this subspecies of moonbat emerged fully formed from a spontaneous mutation of the more common species. What a find!
Unfortunately, that is all the bandwith we have for this edition of INDC Science. Please be sure and check back later for part two of our series, where we'll learn about more musical customs and give you an introduction to some of the more dangerous and predatory moonbat species! Cheerio!
Also, if you enjoyed this coverage please take a moment to learn about how you can indirectly support these non-profit efforts by giving to help Marines fighting in Iraq. Learn about the drive here, and donate today. Seriously.
UPDATE: Hey Instapundit readers - just get it over with and Blogroll Me!
YET ANOTHER UPDATE: Have a question? Please read this following post on Moonbat FAQ. Please direct all further questions to the comments section under that thread!
FINAL UPDATE: PART TWO of the series can be found here.
Posted by Bill at April 28, 2004 12:50 AM | TrackBack (34)
Outstanding observational work.
However, I think you may have misidentified the pair of Long-tongued Moonbats (Macroglossius lunarius commonus) with their cousin, the Western Warbling Moonbat (Occidaneus cantus sarandonus). Though, species of the genus freely hybridize so an infinite number of cultivars are available.
One has not experienced the cacophonic melodies of Occidaneus cantus sarandonus until one observes a swarm congegating in their natural habitat, the arthouse film theatre. Only there, can one hear a swarms' coordinated forced chortling, as well as its collective sighs or sympathy when summer gives way to Sundance documentary season.
Posted by: rpongett at April 28, 2004 04:09 AM
Herr Doktor Professor:
Outstanding work! With this brave field work we can now promote you to full professor in the Department of Forensic Moonbatology here at Blogistan Institute of Technology and Children's Hospital (B.I.T.C.H.).
Dr. John Bigbooty
Posted by: Steve the Llamabutcher at April 28, 2004 09:17 AM
I am honored, Dr. Bigbooty.
And rpongett, you may be right - the Western Warblers nearly always do wear that leather wristband, clearly evident in the picture. My apologies.
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 28, 2004 09:21 AM
(How oppressive was the stench of patchouli? Moonbats seem to excrete it naturally.)
Posted by: Dr. Kate at April 28, 2004 09:50 AM
More on the effects of that in part two.
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 28, 2004 09:50 AM
Absolutely riveting! Do you teach any courses on Moonbat behavior? I am in one of the Moonbat's natural habitats, in Seattle, and I have observed these Moonbats at what they call the "Solstice Parade", which is one of the larger Moonbat gatherings. I see many parallels between that gathering and the migration you witnessed.
I thank you for all the research you have done, for the bravery you have exhibited while documenting this phenomenon known as "moonbat migration".
Posted by: Washington Conservative at April 28, 2004 11:17 AM
As benevolent Dictator over at www.barking-moonbat.com HQ, my Minister of Propaganda/Information, Allan, and I wish to confer upon you the coveted Moonbat Medal of Valor for your gallantry in wading through the stench and hypocrisy (not to the mention anti-Americanism) of so many moonbats in their natural habitat. It is fortunate you escaped with your sanity.
Looking forward to reading about your exploits amongst moonbats in the future.
Posted by: Vilmar at April 28, 2004 12:29 PM
Should breeding success ratios degenerate further they may need to be introduced into the Endangered Species category and remedial breeding programs may be neccessary to bolster populations.
Could zoo breeding programs be a solution to prevent further decline within their genetic pool?
Such an approach may well be appropriate in mitigating the self-limiting evolutionary strategies engaged in by the Macroglossius lunarius commonus subspecies in particular.
There is however some evidence indicating that most juvenile Macroglossius simply grow out of it.
Regarding habitat and breeding strategies: I've observed they seem to primarily roost within "technicolor" caves during the evening hours when they aren't grazing. Could concerned scientifical people use recordings of The Moby mating call to elicit a breeding response?
Thank you in advance for your esteemed input.
Posted by: Rtfm at April 28, 2004 12:47 PM
my efforts are focused on research, hence, no teaching.
And the moonbats need little incentive to breed - it's more a problem with getting any to keep their offspring, or refrain from ingesting toxic substances before they come to term.
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 28, 2004 12:50 PM
I need to practice my techniques. Or rather, I think I need to attend events where all the protestors don't know eachother. In Chicago I've tried to go observe but the protestors must smell me as prey because they just chase me away or get in my face until I leave.
Different outfits don't work either. From "Men in Black" to "Bozo the Clown" I cannot disguise myself well enough to skirt their illustrious nasal senses.
Posted by: brennan stout at April 28, 2004 01:04 PM
You are truly the David Attenborough of the Moonbat world. You should do a PBS series about them, "Get a Life on Earth."
Posted by: The Commissar at April 28, 2004 01:07 PM
Fascinating study of the various breeds of moonbats. Tell me, were these moonbats disturbed by the cameras? How were you able to get so close to them without being harmed?
Posted by: IB Bill at April 28, 2004 01:10 PM
Several became testy, but I kept my distance, for the most part. I also engaged in some subterfuge that may help commenter brennan - before attending the rally, I smeared myself in dog poo. This masked my homo sapiens odor.
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 28, 2004 01:14 PM
No sightings of formerly ubiquitous Mumia Abu-Jamalensis? Must be deforestation and habitat destruction.
Posted by: David at April 28, 2004 01:15 PM
I would be interested in a study of the structures and tools utilized by the various species and subspecies.
It has gotten difficult to spot moonbats here in Georgia, but there is disagreement on why. Some say the species is simply not all that common down here (tell that to Cynthia McKinney), whereas I think part of the problem is the loss of accustomed habitat wherein we might expect to see the local specimens.
For example, although the Volkswagen Beetle -- aka "moonbatmobile" -- has been resurrected as the "New Beetle," the new form of the vehicle tends to be too expensive for true moonbats to own.
If there's a recent study that addresses this, I may find it easier to find specimens to observe.
Posted by: McGehee at April 28, 2004 01:17 PM
Moonbat swarms are typically drawn to large urban population centers, usually in search of easy access to mind-altering substances and a diversity of mating partners.
Also, large urban centers tend to have vast canyons of glass - perfect targets for a well-aimed trash can or rock.
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 28, 2004 01:22 PM
RE: Zoo Breeding
Unfortunately no captive breeding programs will ever be established as yet another subspecies of the Moonbats, the well know Environmentalus Extremus Lunaticus, violently protests any hint of herd management, even to save a species. Or to use their phrase: Better dead then bred.
I offer my most sincere congratulations to INDC: Documented evidence of a juvenile Desmodus lunarius nihilista, accompanied by an adult exhibiting maternal behavior. Absolutely amazing.
Posted by: CP at April 28, 2004 01:31 PM
This is utterly hilarious. It's been a long time since I laughed out loud so hard by myself in front of a computer screen. What an intrepid piece of photojournalism. I just don't undertand why articles like this don't appear regularly in my Discover magazine. This species is crying out for more in-depth analysis.
BTW, When does Dr. Werner Van Schtrudenbacher's new album come out and where can I purchase it?
Posted by: orfi at April 28, 2004 01:44 PM
Hilarious. Thank you.
Posted by: nobody important at April 28, 2004 01:45 PM
Stay up at 'till about 3am on saturday and I'm certain that you will catch the info-mercial for the good doctor's album.
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 28, 2004 01:46 PM
Omigosh, are you funny, this is the best laugh I've had all week. Thank you!!
Posted by: MMG at April 28, 2004 01:53 PM
More re: Zoo breeding.
Mayhap what should be done is establish Moonbat refuges. I would put forth two suggestions, a rather large island in the Caribbean, namely Cuba; as well as the part of the Korean Peninsula north of the 38th parallel. This would give them two quite different geographical areas in which to roam.
Excellent work, Bill from INDC Journal. Is it too early to mention Nobel Prize?
Posted by: Robert at April 28, 2004 01:55 PM
You embarrass me with your praise.
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 28, 2004 02:03 PM
Is the guy selling the Che shirt a Bureaucrasher (the coke/captialism shirt)?
Not sure how he jives Che's communism with capitalism. But maybe he is just serving a market?
Posted by: BC Fan at April 28, 2004 02:05 PM
Perhaps he bought the beaurocrasher shirt because he THOUGHT that it was ironic. How ironic is THAT?
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 28, 2004 02:07 PM
Reading aloud with the accent really does help. I can hardly breathe after laughing so hard.
"Look at this! What a beautiful specimen of the highly venomous Desmodus lunarius checommunista! Now watch me poke it with a stick!"
Posted by: Anne Haight at April 28, 2004 02:13 PM
Esteemed colleague, I humbly submit a photograph I was able to make of local game wardens tagging one of these creatures for future study: www.severnriver.com. Please keep up the good work.
Posted by: Dr. John Smallberries at April 28, 2004 02:20 PM
magnificent field work doctor! this rivals Dian Fossey's work in gorrillas in the mist, as played by sigourney weaver!!!
who will play you? might I venture it should be someone like Bruce Willis?
Posted by: rumcrook at April 28, 2004 02:24 PM
A truly fascinating species, worthy of future study. How does one explain, in the presence of elaborate displays of social behavior, and the primitive use of symbols, the total lack of grooming behavior?
Posted by: Ernie G at April 28, 2004 02:45 PM
Posted by: j.d. at April 28, 2004 02:48 PM
They are not a species in danger of extinction. They aren't a species at all, but infected people, who have mutated to its present form that no longer have any survival instincts. Their sole purpose is to roam about infecting healthy specimens.
Posted by: Pei Yuan Shao at April 28, 2004 02:52 PM
Excellent work. I look forward to the peer reviewed version in a formal journal.
One question: did you collect specimens for dissection to examine eating habits, etc? Down here in Texas we have had notable success with the .17 HRM...
Posted by: Dr. Armado at April 28, 2004 02:58 PM
Though I don't pretend to the level of expertise exhibited by this esteemed panel, I do live in an area (New York City) that is filled with many lush, verdant moonbat habitats such as Williamsburg and Tompkins Square Park, and have observed the species extensively. I therefore feel that I'm qualified to inform the many commenters that have expressed concern over the possible endangerment and even extinction of this species that their fears are misplaced. In fact, the type of controlled breeding programs that many here have recommended have been ongoing here for sometime in such places as the New School, the Pratt School of Art, and some departments of Columbia University. There is even some interbreeding with populations imported from such places as Bennington and Oberlin Colleges.
The most beguiling subspecies is of course the hot art-school chick moonbat or the macroglossius lunarius bisexualis, a deceptively attractive creature. While undeniably visually impressive, after any serious observation they are found to be especially unbalanced and erratic in behavior, even by the standards of the species. Proceed with caution.
Posted by: Eric Deamer at April 28, 2004 03:01 PM
I have extended personal experience with macroglossius lunarius bisexualis, and can vouch for my esteemed colleagues verdict.
Fun while it lasts, but when the gig is up, make no mistake ... she'll cut you.
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 28, 2004 03:03 PM
You know, it's actually very difficult to bring off satire like this without sounding either forced, arch, or unbearably smung. That you managed to do so is testament to just how damn funny this is. Congratulations on getting the tone JUST right, and I can't wait for the next wildlife documentary.
Posted by: Jeff B. at April 28, 2004 03:12 PM
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 28, 2004 03:13 PM
Steve the Llama Butcher:
That's John BigbooTAY!!
Crank up the overthruster!
Posted by: Phil Winsor (aka Lord Whorfin) at April 28, 2004 03:14 PM
Excellent work ! I never knew there were so many varieties of Moonbat. That is some groundbreaking research that can (indeed must) be built upon. You obviously have the field covered quite well. Keep up the good work....
Posted by: Crapulentis Sum at April 28, 2004 03:22 PM
In my research on moonbats I have discovered a similarity between moonbats and Cuckoo Birds, and Brown-headed Cowbirds, that of parasitic behavior. As any student of natural history is aware, the aforementioned birds lay their eggs in other, better birds nests, expecting other species such as Warblers, etc, to raise their young, a welfare system in the bird world one might say. The results are the same, the parasites suck the life out of the hard working host.+
Posted by: BM at April 28, 2004 03:24 PM
Evidenced by the moonbat's parasitic use of mass-manufactured clothing and other goods. Excellent point, good colleague.
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 28, 2004 03:27 PM
Posted by: AngryKufr at April 28, 2004 03:31 PM
I am convinced that those of you who find this piece amusing are sick and disturbed. It is not funny at all!
After living in San Francisco, the CAPITAL of moonbat migration, I can testify to the inconvenience and distruction moonbat behaviour can cause (i.e. smelly streets, a fondness for experimental teaching methods inflicted on the young, and ridiculous spending programs).
I have moved back to Chicago, and am now grateful for our legendary abysmal weather--it helps keep the moonbattys away.
Posted by: Carolynn at April 28, 2004 04:05 PM
Posted by: John-Paul Pagano at April 28, 2004 04:06 PM
Posted by: Phil Winsor at April 28, 2004 04:17 PM
>The most beguiling subspecies is of course the >hot art-school chick moonbat or the >macroglossius lunarius bisexualis
I will be the maverick scientist here and propose that the very idea of considering these animals to be intrinsically different from our species...however weird their behavior...prevents us from researching the parasitic brainworms that infect what once were human beings.
The art students can, in fact, be saved. Please don't give up on them. I was one of them!
Think of it more like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" than "Wild Kingdom."
There is a cure for the brainworm inside Moonbats' heads. Marriage, a job and the 30th birthday often kills the parasitic brainworm (which emanates from highly contagious animals often found in school and college faculty lounges and media newsrooms) and the Moonbat becomes human.
Another cure is an event like 9-11. That shock killed the virulent parasitic brainworm in untold millions of Moonbats worldwide. Sadly...the prevention of a worse attack in Jordan last week...will not kill many brainworms thus leaving untold millions of Moonbats still infected.
Moonbats need actual nearby terror attacks to kill off their parasitic brainworms...and sometimes the parasite is so strong, as in Spain, that even that doesn't work (Spanish Moonbats need further study).
I know all this because...I was once a Moonbat!
Yes...I know...don't all clamor to pickle me in formaldehyde and figure how I switched my species to human. It wasn't overnight, believe me. In my case, it wasn't 9-11 that directly killed the brainworms...it was the way the American Moonbat Party forced a compromise on the Iraq War Resolution that said we could only attack Iraq but not "surrounding countries" like Iran or Syria. As a Democrat I hit the roof when I saw smarmy fellow Moonbats like John Kerry and Tom Daschle commit that treason. Instantly, I wasn't infected with the parasite anymore.
I was no longer one of "them".
There is hope for the afflicted. Don't give up on them.
Except the Che Nihilista species with the boots.
Posted by: Jennifer Peterson at April 28, 2004 04:19 PM
You fascist, racist, religious-right wing-wackos, when are you finally going to answer my question.......
Are you gonna eat those fries?
Posted by: Michael Moore at April 28, 2004 04:21 PM
Other than misspelling "molotov" excellent work.
Posted by: Alex in NJ at April 28, 2004 04:23 PM
Looks like it's spelled correctly to me ...
We must study Jennifer!
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 28, 2004 04:39 PM
Alex in New Jersey would probably know that the "National Alliance" is big in her state.
Maybe she could do a follow up piece on one of their meetings.
Or would that take too much actual courage?
Posted by: Frank Lautenberg at April 28, 2004 04:48 PM
I commend the efforts of you and your esteemed colleagues in furthering the knowledge of Man and bringing the light of benigh inquiry upon the darkness of this most seemingly chaotic of species.
Posted by: SkipKent at April 28, 2004 04:54 PM
Where I live these creatures have been relatively rare. Usually we only sight them during the winter months as they migrate through. But recently I have seen small herds of these creatures establishing themselves on a permanent basis in the area. The infestation is growing and, being a layman in these matters, I am at a loss as to how to deal with this. Can you recommend products or methods that will confine or repel these things so we can nip this thing in the bud?
Posted by: Brian in Colorado at April 28, 2004 05:07 PM
Can you recommend products or methods that will confine or repel these things so we can nip this thing in the bud?
About the only thing that ever worked for me when I lived in California was to spray them with soap.
Posted by: McGehee at April 28, 2004 05:13 PM
The specimen that you identified as an "ancient miniature moonbat" appears to be an example of the macroglossius sextegenerius overdosious, once thought to be extinct but becoming increasingly common in the wild recently. Considerable doubt exists about the actual age of these creatures; some scientists have speculated that certain personal habits that they indulge in creates a local time-warpage field about their persons. This time warpage has been noted to have peculiar effects; while causing the body to age rapidly, it seems to have the opposite effect on the brain, such that the individual becomes increasingly immature even as it ages. This phenomonen has, in some scientific circles, been given the colloquial name "the one-and-a-half reverse backflip Dorian Grey effect". Attempts at further research have not been successful, as every attempt to converse with members of the species results in a response in an ancient, unknown tongue, which when spelled out phonetically resembles: "Hey, like, goovy, man. Flower power. Do you know where I can score a few keys?"
Posted by: Cousin Dave at April 28, 2004 05:27 PM
Damn, that's funny!!
Good job, Herr Doktor!!!
Posted by: Bruce at April 28, 2004 05:28 PM
Can you recommend products or methods that will confine or repel these things so we can nip this thing in the bud?
I have found certain combinations of vowel and consonant sounds to be highly effective. Try saying the words "Ronald Reagan" to them and see what happens.
Posted by: Cousin Dave at April 28, 2004 05:32 PM
REAGAN WAS A FASCIST!!!!!
Posted by: Enlightened Leftie at April 28, 2004 05:43 PM
What wonderful work you have here! I too have long been interested in cataloging the behavior of moonbats at my local university. They seem to developed a periodic swarming pattern around March 20. On this date they decided to infest our university center, staging a sit-in to protest our university's military funding. I have some fascinating pictures of the "Long-tongued Banger Moonbats", sans the drums. However, it seem that if you can get the subspecies "hot art-school chick moonbat" to fall in love with you, they undergo a fascinating trasnformation, turning into a clone of your own personal politics. I have personal experience with this, and must say that the result was completely successful, producing that extremely rare species, "hot conservative chick".
Posted by: Sean at April 28, 2004 05:46 PM
I used to work in DC and was in the middle of most of the Clinton-era anti-globalist demonstrations.
I lived in New York until recently and found myself in the middle of quite a few others.
I have 2 questions.
1. Is soap part of the great gloabalist corporate conspiracy? I mean, these folks never seem to use any.
2. Does peper spray taste good on a salad?
Posted by: Anthony at April 28, 2004 06:00 PM
Congratulations Jennifer for extricating yourself.
I was only part moonbat for one year, my junior year in college. Three years of mental corruption induced by an Ivy league history department was cured when in my senior year, I took English history and read Locke. While the prof insisted Locke was a protoMarxist, Princeton at the time still had the vestigial integrity (hope they still do) of letting you read these texts for yourself. Locke is the intellectual basis for free market democracy. Take that over Marx any day. Case closed.
Posted by: rebmiami at April 28, 2004 06:15 PM
I will echo the congratulations of others concerning the quality of your research work.
Is there some reason we don't have more pictures of the macroglossius lunarius bisexualis, or is that species too rare and dangerous to document?
I had one in captivitiy for a while. It was an interesting experience, but mine was unpleasant to deal with after she turned too strident. Application of alcoholic beverages helped, but sadly was not a permanent cure.
I echo others in telling people to proceed with extreme caution ... but I somehow doubt that I'll be taking my own advice. They have ... a certain charm.
Posted by: David H Dennis at April 28, 2004 06:36 PM
"REAGAN WAS A FASCIST!!!!!" haha. lol
Posted by: Al Franken at April 28, 2004 06:43 PM
One of the Common Moonbats with the "Money for Jobs and Education" is wearing a red shirt that says MADE IN MEXICO. Isn't that a tad contradictory?
Posted by: Fenway Nation at April 28, 2004 06:57 PM
As I am currently nesting in a rather ruralish area, I find myself surrounded by the ever-fascinating macroglossius sextegenerius overdosious subspecies pacifensis Quakerii. This particular group eschew the noxious weed, instead preferring to reach maximum energy with vast infusions of brotherly love and multivitamins. But my question is this:
Is their guano too acidic for good gardening?
Posted by: Lucygoosey at April 28, 2004 07:16 PM
I feel the need to dedicate a full post to answering these questions, so sit tight.
Posted by: Bill from INDC at April 28, 2004 07:20 PM
Can you recommend products or methods that will confine or repel these things so we can nip this thing in the bud?
After 9-11, the flag sticker on the back window of my car seemed to keep the more timid specimens at bay. The addition of a "Bush-Cheney '04" sticker more recently helps with other species, but with that method you run the risk of it having the opposite effect, and provoking the more violent individuals.
The final addition of a "Glock - Safe Action Pistols" sticker resolved that.
As for "in person" confrontations, I find it is best to stay calm and keep once's voice neutral and soothing while backing away slowly. If that doesn't work, imitating the call of their natural enemies ("Why do you think that?" and "Can you give me some examples?") will usually either cause them to flee, or to become so agitated that they explode.
Posted by: Anne Haight at April 28, 2004 07:33 PM
I've seen them gather in small numbers out here in the Land of Fruits and Nuts. How does one characterize these small gatherings? As a herd - which has bovine overtones, a flock - which brings chickens to mind, or a swarm - locuslike? There are others I might have missed.
One common draw is certain local coffee shops. I think it is the smell of coffee, rather than the taste. I have yet to see one drink black coffee. This might also act as an instant repellant for the one or two that are bothersome or ward off an attack from an enraged macroglossius lunarius bisexualis. I'd further warn to run like hell afterwards as this act might bring about a swarming instinct from the Macroglossius lunarius commonus as seen in killer bees if others are nearby.
Posted by: Rob at April 28, 2004 08:29 PM
I find your work extremely interesting. I seem to remember similar outbreaks of these strange creatures back in the mid to late sixties (perhaps the most famous occuring at some farm in NY). Good luck with your research. I look forward to further viewings of the fruits......................................... of your labors.
Posted by: thirdfinger at April 28, 2004 08:30 PM
What? No hacky sack?
Posted by: Karl at April 28, 2004 09:41 PM
Great work Bill... I think you're really onto something here.
Posted by: Iraqi Intelligence at April 28, 2004 09:52 PM
Oh yeah, blah blah, aren't these magestic creatures delightful. Listen, they're vermin and someone's got to cull them. Littering our streets with their pamphlets and trash, ripping up asphalt and electrical cables for their 'community gardens', scaring the kids with their agressive street theater mating displays, enough already.
Look, I know it can seem cruel, but that's nature. In the long run their genetic stock will be improved by shooting some of the fatter, uglier ones.
Posted by: Amos at April 28, 2004 10:50 PM
Hey mate, it's "majestic" not "magestic". And you're a fascist.
Posted by: Sean at April 29, 2004 12:22 AM
Splendid work, Bill.
Posted by: Jack Deth at April 29, 2004 01:25 AM
I am inpressed by the retrosepctive colour scheme moonbats seem to employ to attract members of the same sex whilst pretenting to be trying to attract members of the same sex. May i suggest a study be done on moonbat head coverings and their relationiship to the political spectrum. My assumption would be that the more outlandish the head covering the more these creatures inhabit the extreme fringes of the political and social fabric.
Posted by: Horatio Z. Stein at April 29, 2004 02:36 AM
You joke about some of the women in the photos, but I bet it is just bad lighting and they are really pretty hot. I'd date (most of) them.
Posted by: Robert Tyner at April 29, 2004 05:40 AM
Read again, more closely - no woman's attractiveness was mocked during the course of this shoot ...
Posted by: Bill from INDC at April 29, 2004 08:22 AM
I noticed that body painted moonbat has an electronic device on her right hip. Perhaps her internal radar (which all moonbats possess) has failed. My guess is some altruistic veterinarian implanted the exoskeletal device to aid her navigational skills which nature so cruelly took away at some point. It seems to have worked as she has obviously found her way back to the communal swarm.
Posted by: orfi at April 29, 2004 09:18 AM
I was quite frankly expecting more scholarly work out of you. Surely you know we have to uphold the notion that Homo Sapiens is at the apogee of the evolutionary cycle. What are you, some kind of creationist wacko?
Posted by: daniel at April 29, 2004 09:20 AM
Orfi, that was actually just a cellphone ... manufactured by um ... Nokia, I believe.
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 29, 2004 09:30 AM
Uh...my bad. Thanks for the clarification Bill. I thought moonbats eschewed cellphones and such as symbols of capitalistic oppression.
Posted by: orfi at April 29, 2004 10:30 AM
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 29, 2004 10:31 AM
Outstanding work Doctor. One question tho: The migratory pattern of the seasonal moonbat seems to be somewhat in dispute. Is it a case of which states have better welfare benefits or which states have better coffee shops and communist book stores? Or perhaps some combination of the two? Very confusing to a layman and amateur in this highly evolving field of study.
Also is there any evidence of domesticated moonbats?
Thank you and i look forward to your futher fascinating research.
Posted by: jacksback at April 29, 2004 11:06 AM
luv it.. thanks.. now at last i know what i am.. i'm a Moonbat!
Posted by: Seamus O'Blimey at April 29, 2004 11:26 AM
THOSE LITTLE DRUMMER BOYS MUST SUERLY BEEN PERFORMING POST INDUSTRIAL MUSIC. THE MOONBAT GREENIES FAVORITE.
LET EM EAT ROOTS AN BERRIES
Posted by: meshuga mikey at April 29, 2004 12:59 PM
A flamethrower, a flamethrower; my kingdom for a flamethrower...
Posted by: Guy at April 29, 2004 03:34 PM
Anybody seen 28 Days Later?
Yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about...
Posted by: Tongue Boy at April 29, 2004 03:37 PM
As a DC area dweller, I often marvel at the vast array of "colorful" individuality presented in such places as Dupont Circus...*ahem*...Dupont Circle downtown--sometimes the variance between the male and female of the species is a mystery to me-and this can be awkward when commuting throughout said metropolis. HOWEVER; I find myself perplexed at the categorization and dehumanization of individuals who are clearly exibiting outward signs of inward turmoil. Enlightenment, it would seem, would be the key--not Embarassment. While I thoroughly enjoy a good laugh, I wonder if a laugh when stooping to the oppositions level is the most prudent course of action.
Posted by: emi at April 29, 2004 08:08 PM
Emi - huh?
Posted by: Bill from INDC at April 29, 2004 09:02 PM
However, it seem that if you can get the subspecies "hot art-school chick moonbat" to fall in love with you, they undergo a fascinating trasnformation, turning into a clone of your own personal politics. I have personal experience with this, and must say that the result was completely successful, producing that extremely rare species, "hot conservative chick".
Unfortunately, folks, this is a trap. I don't know who would try to perpetrate such an act upon the fine readers of this journal, but Sean's email address gives it away: @andrew.cmu.edu.
Sean, I went to CMU. There are no hot chicks, conservative or no, at CMU. ;)
Posted by: DDN at April 30, 2004 12:35 AM
While I am a neophyte in moonbat behaviour I do have quite a bit of experience with the Latin-American Revolutionary Moonbat, or Desmodus lunarius checommunista. You see I have traveled to South America on a regular basis for the last fifteen years for business purposes.
I wholeheartedly agree with Bill that these moonbats are legitimately dangerous. The Latin blood in this strain causes much hyperbole and misguided passion. There is a simple methodology to protect oneself however.
If confronted by one of these creatures and it exhibits aggressive behaviour, simply utter the word "Pinochet" and watch the effect it has.
A real Latin-American revolutionary moonbat will back away in fear whereas a poser moonbat (you know the kind, wears a "Che" t-shirt but can't point out Buenos Aires on a map) will scratch its head in confusion and be too flustered by their lack of understanding to bother you any more. Either way you are covered.
Posted by: orfi at April 30, 2004 08:33 AM
Just a thought. As you all are glorying in your excellence and brilliance-there are people who might be able to benefit from your wealth of knowledge.
Posted by: emi at April 30, 2004 02:32 PM
Uh emi - have you READ my entire site?
These and a few other posts are all good fun, and very few of the barbs are even serious or malignant. Lighten up.
And I've tried to "educate the masses," trust me. Sometimes it's too hard on my blood pressure and sometimes it's better to just have a little fun.
Try it out for a spin.
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 30, 2004 02:39 PM
For the record, I would laugh my ASS off at a similar parody dedicated to a gathering of right-wingers, for example ... even if I was one of them.
Posted by: Bill from INDC Journal at April 30, 2004 02:51 PM
I was actually an art major (in SF!), and I am pretty conservative...
One of my best female friends is an artist, a model, and a staunch Republican.
Interestingly in my art department at San Francisco State University back, oh, 10 years ago, all my friends were pretty conservative. Maybe because it was a state school not an art school and we were relatively poor? Maybe because our instructors were all Korean War Vets?
Ah, well, I guess it proves that you can dwell among moonbats and still not be infected by their brainworm (although I seemed to have caught their external poor dressing disease -- minus the Che and Soviet t-shirts of course).
Posted by: Carolynn at April 30, 2004 05:16 PM
The bit about your instructors being vets reminds me of the scene with Sam Kinison in Back to School ...
Posted by: Bill from INDC at April 30, 2004 05:25 PM
Thats very funny!
But no, they were too traumatized by the experience to brag about it. Seems like some of the braver vets I've known are usually the most modest too.
Posted by: Carolynn at April 30, 2004 06:58 PM
IMMENSELY INFORMATIVE! On a similar note, the annual moonbat migration to Memphis, Tennessee is in full bloom with hoards of the rare moonbat strains homobudweiseriss and jackdanielsquaffalottoffus swarming down by the river. They seem to be attracted by the loud drumming of musical instruments which are carefully placed in a large muddy area near downtown Memphis every year to attract the moonbats. The poor creatures are helpless to the drumming musical sounds and flock to the area where they wallow helplessly in the mudpits and feed ravenously from large kegs of alcoholic nectar.
Posted by: Rick at May 1, 2004 10:43 AM
Bill-read you ENTIRE website...*whew*...I don't know if I could process that much useless information....my brain would go into underload....(I'm aware that underload is not a word...I'm just lightening up and taking a jab.)
Posted by: emi at May 5, 2004 05:00 PM
You sir are a shameless child of privilege who dares to mask his own petty bigotry in the royal robes of science! This type of jesting is simply cruel and mean spirited. I dare you to look at yourself in a mirror and consider the kind of person you’ve become. Many of these kids are in fact not a species different from our own, but the unwitting victims of chemical imbalances. They may be well meaning and are certainly completely unaware of the way they appear to those of us fortunate enough to be raised in homes with proper dietary regimens. Do you think these poor creatures actually choose to be the spawn of the dope-smoking skeletons in the closet of our own “lost generation”???
Granted there are hard cases, but +90% of these kids could be turned around on a healthy diet based on the inverted food pyramid. Massive doses of good old American rare red meat would produce amazingly rapid results. Gradual introduction of grain alcohol spirits and foods rich in what the Loki-like trickster-organio-propagandists refer to as “empty calories” can reduce symptoms until a proper biochemical balance can be established. With disciplined controls even the most hardened cases of tofu induced dementia can be turned into marginally useful tax payers.
The ongoing tragedy is that recovering individuals will have to perform painful twice daily testing to ensure proper blood levels of BHT, BHA and MSG for the rest of their lives. How dare you make light of their suffering? I’d take umbrage if I knew what to do with it! If, however, your conclusions are an honest mistake and are simply the outcome of bad anthropology, then opps my bad. I just get cranky when my blood sugar is low. Come to Philly & I’ll buy you a nice big cheese steak to make it up to you.
Posted by: sal the archangel, defender of the defenseless at June 2, 2004 11:27 AM