#1: Why I Dislike Environmentalists
Because they are always so damn negative:

Greenland's icy mountains and the island's entire ice cap could disappear in the next 1,000 years because of global warming, European scientists warn today. If that occurs sea levels will rise by seven metres, drowning low-level coastlines around the world.

The woodland folk read a story like that and start shouting,"global disaster, global disaster!"

I, on the other hand, think: "Sweet. Beachfront condos in Denver."

Also, isn't it kind of funny that a big fancy paper like the Guardian can't spell "meters" correctly?

#2 - Great Advancements in Medical Knowledge
Who still bothers to fund studies like this?

#3 - The Bachelor
I actually met reality TV's latest bachelor and second-string Giants QB extraordinare, Jesse Palmer, at a party many years back when we both attended the University of Florida. He was a rising-star Freshman football "hunk," while I was more of what you'd describe as a nameless wise-ass Junior "drunk." Palmer, a friend and I were shooting the bull, and for some reason he was strangely worshipful of my friend, who happens to be Spanish. At some point in the conversation he made the comment to my friend that "boy, the Latin thing must score well with the laaaaadies," to which I quipped, "Yeah, he does ok. I guess playing the 'Canadian card' doesn't really work out that well, does it?"

He looked at me like he wanted to tear my head off.

In retrospect, that was a rather dumb thing to say - on several levels.

#4 - The Alamo
... sounds like my kind of flick:

The makers of "The Alamo," the new movie based on the legendary defense and fall of the Texas compound, want to wrestle this piece of American history from the ranks of jingoism and patriotic fervor.
...
They enjoy partial success, but this results in an epic that sometimes stalls in static, talky sequences that try to situate the heroic feat in the cross-currents of history and sort out an array of colorful characters whose bios must be divorced from legend.

"The Alamo," directed by native Texan John Lee Hancock, making only his second feature, is a respectable and at times an exciting film that should appeal to males of all ages, history buffs and -- yes, it's inevitable -- patriots.

Those damn patriots. Damn them, damn them straight to Hell.

#5 - Karl Marx's Nightmare
In lighter news, the destitute Lopez family of Brooklyn, NY came into a serious windfall the other day.

Jennifer Lopez can now hit up her mother for a loan if her next film bombs. J.lo’s mother, Guadalupe Lopez, 58, won a $2.4 million jackpot on a slot machine in Atlantic City this past weekend.
...
Was it luck? Not so, says Lopez. She attributes her win to the Virgin Mary. "It was divine intervention," said the retired NYC kindergarten teacher.

No, no, no, no, Guadalupe! If divine intervention were a factor in handing out cash, my 500 square-foot rat-trap would be bought and paid for and I wouldn't be suffering mini-seizures from being trapped in a flourescent-lit box for 8 hours-a-day! The fact that you won $2.4 million and credited religion, along with the fact that America is overexposed to the dubious talents of your daughter, in fact suggests to me that God very possibly does ... not ... exist.

Remember - Jesus was crucified so you could gamble and win! I think Mel Gibson made a movie about it.

And finally ...

#6 - Why Is It ...

... that I never get picked for the really fun medical experiments? Usually when I volunteer to try and turn a quick buck, I wind up sitting nearly-naked on a metal gurney, with half my head shaved and electrodes hooked up to my kibbles and bits, while staring at an orangutang named Co Co that proceeds to give me the finger and whoop my ass in a spacial reasoning test. Why?! Why is this?!

Ok, that was cleansing. But perhaps I should stick to politics, caption contests, photobloggin' and drawing not-so-pretty pictures.

More later.